Series

Latino Sex Can Be Better

Link in Bio with Jenny and Alejandro
Sex coach Karla Montalvan helps people work through “mental blockages” around intimacy and explains why the female orgams should be like cooking pizza in an oven, not a microwave.
the details
Growing up with shame around sex, sex coach Karla Montalvan remembers awkward conversations with her mom and having “a ton” of unanswered questions. “It’s normalized that we’ve been taught this shame...
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Show transcript
00:00
Speaking of all this love,
00:03
it's got me thinking sister,
00:04
I mean, I know the baby's not even here yet but
00:06
like, when I have the,
00:07
it's time I have to talk with her.
00:10
That's gonna be rough.
00:11
Like, yeah. Yeah.
00:12
Like, I mean,
00:13
my parents kinda, we kinda had it,
00:16
it was kind of like,
00:17
you know, a,
00:21
it's always the cuate part and that's it.
00:23
Like, what do you mean elate?
00:25
Like home? Like water?
00:31
What does that mean?
00:32
My, my parents didn't really?
00:34
Yeah, I never got the talk.
00:35
I kind of just one day we in school they just kinda
00:38
like poop. This is what happens and,
00:42
and then weirdly started getting these weird feelings where I was going
00:47
through changes and then,
00:48
yeah, but I think to help break this down and talk
00:53
to a professional about these feelings,
00:55
right? We've been on Carla Montalvan,
00:57
a certified sex coach and the host of the Trace Cama Podcast
01:00
down. I'm down,
01:02
let's go, Carla.
01:03
Are you there? Hey,
01:05
hi, everyone. Hi,
01:06
how are you guys?
01:07
Good. And you?
01:08
I'm doing great. First off.
01:10
Like, what does the sex coach do?
01:13
Yeah. Ok. So a sex coach?
01:15
In comparison to like a sexologist,
01:17
which is a doctor.
01:19
They, they have more of this like physical component to
01:22
sex, right? They could tell you more about like the
01:25
anatomy that goes behind it,
01:26
the hormones, everything like that.
01:28
A sex coach works from the coaching perspective.
01:31
So what I do is I work through all of these mental
01:33
blockages, limiting beliefs,
01:36
all of those things that are kind of here that don't let
01:40
us work here. So I help people work through that.
01:44
So we work through a lot of limiting beliefs.
01:46
We talk through taboos,
01:49
we talk through what's going on in your relationship.
01:51
Body images. And yeah,
01:54
I also experienced that when I was growing up,
01:56
like my talk was always either don't get pregnant.
02:00
No, I say like,
02:00
don't get pregnant. No how disease.
02:05
Yeah, like I remember folding clothes when I was first
02:09
trying to have sex and folding clothes and my mom was like
02:12
in the kitchen and I'm like,
02:14
hey mommy, you know,
02:15
when you were like a teen having to have sex,
02:19
did you have to like start and stop a,
02:21
a bunch of times and she just froze conversation ended,
02:26
didn't say anything. She just freaked out.
02:30
And these topics are super important.
02:32
Like what you were saying,
02:33
Alejandro and, and,
02:34
and speaking of like taboos,
02:37
So many of us were taught to have shame around sex
02:41
like myself. Is that normal and like,
02:44
how can we move past it and,
02:46
and to even, you know,
02:48
be like you move past it enough to become a sex coach
02:51
yourself. Well, I think it's part of the reason why
02:55
I eventually became a sex coach because I experienced a lot of
02:59
this shame myself. And I had a ton of questions growing
03:02
up and was always met with,
03:05
oh my God, Quebe Guza,
03:06
how are you asking these questions?
03:09
This child is like we girl,
03:12
she's like, you know,
03:13
she wants to know about sex because for sure she wants to
03:15
have sex and it was like,
03:16
no, I just wanna know what is happening.
03:19
You know, everyone around me is doing it.
03:21
Porn industry is huge.
03:23
So there is no teenager in the world that doesn't come across
03:26
something pornographic once or twice.
03:28
It's not normal. It's sort of normalize that we've been taught
03:33
this like shame sort of culture in the Latino community,
03:38
but it's not normal.
03:39
It shouldn't be normal.
03:40
And thankfully with newer generations,
03:41
this is diminishing a lot probably because we've gone through that.
03:45
And so we don't want our,
03:46
our kids to experience that we want them to have pleasurable experiences
03:50
and to know that sex is supposed to be pleasurable.
03:53
Like I remember one time like overhearing my grandma talk and
03:58
she was like, everybody's talking about oral sex.
04:00
I don't even know what that is.
04:01
Like. Do you call your,
04:02
your lover? And you're like just telling them.
04:06
And you know, I feel like now I have these conversations
04:10
with her and I'm like,
04:10
wow, imagine the amount of ingrained shame that at a grandmother
04:16
level, like a have to have.
04:17
That is the biggest,
04:19
probably the biggest issue that I see when somebody comes to me
04:23
for sex coaching, they're ashamed.
04:25
They can't even say the word vulva or penis or I don't
04:28
know if you could say that life.
04:30
But we, it's funny,
04:33
I wanted to ask because you mentioned that this generation is
04:36
kind of, again,
04:36
more progressive and I mean,
04:39
I talk about it openly with my friends too,
04:41
like, again jokingly and even serious like,
04:43
hey, like, you know,
04:44
like it's been a minute here like,
04:45
hey, like and shit like that.
04:46
And so I was curious,
04:47
like, how do you think we can talk to our parents
04:50
Like to be more open minded and but you know,
04:53
not like, force it on them but hey,
04:54
like, you know,
04:55
like we're both adults now.
04:56
We can be have this conversation.
04:59
I think, I think our parents,
05:01
I mean, I talk about it openly with my grandma who
05:03
is one of my best friends and I think it's like,
05:07
really opened it up for her to talk about issues that probably
05:09
no one ever cared to ask her about.
05:12
So opening that up is important,
05:14
like talking about it with our moms,
05:17
even talking about it with them can give you a different
05:20
perspective of their lives of how they've been feeling.
05:24
can make them feel more beautiful.
05:26
A lot of our,
05:26
like the generation of our mothers still kind of hold up their
05:31
worthiness to their body image.
05:33
Am I too fat?
05:34
Am I too thin?
05:36
Am I have wrinkles and they don't feel sexy?
05:39
So that kind of stuff helps them to realize that sex is
05:42
natural. Sex is normal.
05:44
They could still be having sex up until they die probably,
05:48
you know, there's so many tools,
05:50
dude. Oh my God,
05:52
I talked to my mom about it and I like,
05:54
it's so funny because before she was not like open at all
05:59
when I was younger and now she a little too open but
06:01
not too open. But like she was like,
06:03
like she'll be telling us something like mom,
06:05
please, you know,
06:06
but then I'm open with her so she feels like she could
06:09
you know, and well,
06:10
she can, like I told her maybe TM I,
06:13
but since we're on the topic,
06:14
whatever, you know,
06:16
I, I was like,
06:17
she was Mija, what do you want for your birthday?
06:19
And, you know,
06:19
I'm single now so that since this is what this whole entire
06:22
episode is about. So,
06:25
I'm like, oh,
06:26
I mean, I'm like mom,
06:27
I want a vibrator and she's like,
06:29
what? Ok. And I'm like,
06:31
you know, a vibrator and I'm like,
06:32
she's like, oh well,
06:35
I, I don't know where to get one but I'll give
06:37
you money and I'm just like,
06:39
well, you know,
06:40
and I'm not exactly.
06:42
And I'm like, you know what?
06:43
Mom?, I was like,
06:45
you could get one too and she's like,
06:47
she's like, oh,
06:48
girl, I don't need one.
06:49
I'm like, oh,
06:51
daddy. What is your line?
06:55
Yeah. My biggest advice is always to first open yourself up
06:59
to sex, you know?
07:02
not telling,
07:03
you know, like go and sleep with everyone,
07:05
but just open yourself up to having these conversations,
07:07
especially in relationships if I'm in a long term relationship and I'm
07:11
only having sex once a month or I want to try something
07:14
new and my partner is not open to it.
07:17
So having these conversations is super important and important,
07:20
creating nuisance, you know,
07:21
something new, whether it's a toy or a massage or going
07:26
somewhere else, getting away from your kids,
07:28
your parents,,
07:29
anything that is already very routine,
07:32
like having sex at a different spot in the house.
07:34
Like, maybe you've never tried the sturdiness of your kitchen table
07:37
and this is a good time to do it.
07:39
Don't do that. That's how the baby is coming.
07:42
Like, 00, from,
07:46
I mean, do whatever you want but like,
07:48
maybe it's a great conceiving method.
07:51
There you go. You're trying to get,
07:53
go to the kitchen table and also not making the orgasm,
07:59
the main event of,
08:01
of everything. Yeah.
08:02
The main goal. Like I always say,
08:05
first of all that women are ovens,
08:07
not microwaves. So take your time.
08:10
Like if you were thinking about it as like we're making a
08:13
pizza. If you stick a pizza in a microwave,
08:16
it's gonna be disgusting.
08:18
But if you, if you stick it in the oven,
08:20
it's gonna be like crispy and perfect control the temperature and it'll
08:24
take a little longer,
08:26
but it'll keep going for longer.
08:28
Girl, I need your information for sure.
08:31
I'll, we'll, I'll be hitting you up.
08:33
Where can we find you that way?
08:35
You know, people can,
08:36
you can find me on the Trama on Instagram,
08:39
youtube and on every streaming platform for podcast.
08:43
Thank you. Thank you guys.
08:46
Oh.