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Love, Breakups & Self-Discovery with Kassandra Lee

Girl, Let Me Tell You
Empowering stories from Kassandra Lee candidly explore open marriages, self-love, and the intriguing question of loving two people at once, uniting strong Latina women on journeys of self-discovery.
Show transcript
00:00
I was going to say sometimes those red flags, you don't even
00:02
know the red flags.
00:03
So like at first, like, I didn't even know that someone always
00:06
constantly sharing everything that's going on or like taking
00:10
on the trip right away.
00:11
That, that's love bombing.
00:12
And I was like, oh my God, he's so into me and of course, it's
00:15
me.
00:15
I'm like, he loves me.
00:16
But then I realized no, this person wants a therapist.
00:19
And then I ended up what I end up doing in relationships.
00:22
I end up becoming because I want to be so helpful.
00:24
I end up becoming the person you go to with your problems and
00:27
then you off on the weekends with your boys.
00:34
Don't mind Gloria.
00:35
She's everybody, everybody stays still.
00:38
Everybody stays still because we need to stage for this episode
00:41
because it's not gonna be an easy regular episode.
00:45
I just feel like she really saved me.
00:49
I feel like this whole vibe right now.
00:52
No, please.
00:53
We don't forget to save yourself.
00:55
We're going straight.
00:56
We're going straight to the hard topic today.
00:57
We're talking about breakups and we're talking about makeups
00:59
and healing and all in between and I know for a fact that each
01:03
and every one of you, especially you Cassandra, there was
01:06
stuff going down internally from breakups and makeups and
01:09
healing and all.
01:10
I feel like everybody has something always internally, I'm
01:12
in the middle of a breakup right now.
01:15
Two breakup, but it wasn't even like a real breakup.
01:17
See, that's the problem.
01:20
This is great.
01:23
Thank you, Cassandra for coming songwriter, singer, everything
01:29
in between actress, singer but also hilarious online.
01:32
She has done some hilarious videos.
01:34
Comedian.
01:35
We have two comedians in the house now, thank you so much for
01:38
coming.
01:39
I'm happy we're happy to have you.
01:43
I'm a long, long episode.
01:46
You guys, but let's start with the trend.
01:48
Did you guys hear about Jonah Hill and his ex, his ex blew him
01:51
up online talking about how he's before I give my POV controlling
01:56
saying that she can't wear like she can't go surfing, she can't
02:00
show her butt in a bikini.
02:01
She can't do all these things.
02:02
Like he sent her a list of things she can't do after they become
02:05
became a fiance.
02:07
What do you think?
02:07
He said things that bothered him, which was things that they
02:11
loved before they became official, which a lot of men do for
02:15
me.
02:15
I, I agree with.
02:16
I think the thing, see, I'm about to get canceled.
02:18
Oh my God, not in this outfit.
02:22
Oh my God.
02:24
This is literally besides the context.
02:27
What I didn't like was that you put a private conversation
02:31
up on the public platform.
02:34
I don't like that.
02:35
She, yeah, she posted all the text messages and that for me
02:39
is like, that's kind of scary the day and age that we live in
02:42
See, I should have gone first because now nothing's private
02:45
Yeah.
02:45
Even though I will say what he was doing was really toxic and
02:48
it's like she's a surfer, she's going to have her titties out
02:50
That's what they be doing out there.
02:52
But like surfing on waves.
02:54
But I don't like the idea that it was a private conversation
02:56
that I'm going to just throw it up on the internet.
02:58
But that's me and I don't want to get dragged for her to go there
03:02
It must have been that bad.
03:03
And I didn't think about that being that smart, but I heard
03:06
they were broken up for like a year.
03:08
I did hear that.
03:09
Maybe that was her form of healing.
03:11
That was her form of being able to just move past it and close
03:14
that chapter because do you feel like it was healing with all
03:17
the attention?
03:18
And I feel like she probably would have been healing.
03:20
Yeah.
03:20
But I think she, she put a spotlight on a lot of men or a lot of
03:24
women that are in that situation where they're controlled
03:26
by their men and things like that.
03:28
You know what I mean?
03:29
I have a hard time bringing anything that I'm going through
03:32
privately when it makes somebody look bad publicly.
03:36
Like, even if you were in the wrong, I have a hard time being
03:39
like, but look y'all, I don't like that.
03:42
I just don't like, I feel like, spiteful, what was the intention
03:45
behind it?
03:46
And that is something we'll never know.
03:47
And it's like this is Jonah Hill.
03:50
I mean, this is, it's going to go viral because he's such a public
03:54
figure and you know, it's going to go part is that he just had
03:56
a baby.
03:57
She waited a week after the baby was, but that's what I'm saying
04:00
That's messy.
04:01
But her feelings are valid.
04:04
And what she's saying is a lot of men try to police or it could
04:07
be even like toxic, same sex partners, they try to police the
04:11
way you show up in the real world.
04:13
And that's not really fair because it's possessed of ownership
04:15
But I think like maybe like in between her friends or I would
04:17
have told my friends that was happening.
04:19
I just don't know if it should have been.
04:20
He's a huge public figure.
04:21
She knew it was going to go 10 times viral.
04:23
There's obviously two opinions on this.
04:24
She's in the right.
04:25
And it's like, yes, you're exposing this type of behavior
04:28
using therapy talk.
04:29
And then the other side is, well, he's a guy, he's setting his
04:32
boundaries, girls set their boundaries with their men.
04:34
They demand a lot out of their men.
04:36
This is just a guy that prefers a woman who does these types
04:39
of things.
04:39
Like, what do you guys on the boundary was used wrong?
04:43
I think boundary is like, hey, I don't feel comfortable showing
04:46
up in this way versus like, I don't want you to show up that's
04:49
controlling somebody an aggressive way.
04:53
Instead of being like this is how I feel about it.
04:55
How do you feel?
04:55
How would you make me happy in a sense?
04:58
I think also if you meet someone and that's already their vibe
05:01
you know, she's a saver.
05:02
So he knows that she's someone that's in a bikini.
05:05
And I don't know if she's still a surfer, but either way it's
05:07
something obviously she's passionate about.
05:09
So it's like you meet someone, you know who they are before
05:12
you date them.
05:13
I think if you get to know someone, you're dating them, you
05:15
know who they are and then they change into something that
05:17
you're not comfortable with, then bring it up and say, hey
05:20
this isn't who I had met.
05:21
What's going on here.
05:22
Let's have a bigger conversation, but he met her like that
05:24
So I understand her side.
05:27
No, 100%.
05:28
And I think, I think the other side of the conversation is a
05:30
lot of men will like us or whatever partner will like us and
05:34
they want to change us.
05:35
And I've been in situations where men were like, I'm going
05:37
out to dinner, like, oh, cover up.
05:38
Well, usually I have my cities out today.
05:41
I don't look, I'm so traumatized.
05:45
I covered everything up.
05:46
But, but I remember going out to dinner one time with my ex and
05:51
he was like, don't wear that outfit.
05:53
He was like, why he's like, it brings so much attention to the
05:54
table.
05:55
I'm like, you already know that on the weekends.
05:58
I like to show my titties.
06:00
Right.
06:01
Anyways, what do you think of?
06:03
Sound drunk about the weekend, showing titties or somebody
06:07
policing your outfit where your partner of polices controls
06:11
you?
06:12
I mean, I, it's, it's, yeah, I think that, but not in a way where
06:17
it's been toxic.
06:18
I, you know, I think that we're human and I think I've even been
06:22
in that position.
06:23
It's just like there's sometimes you're, you're in a moment
06:25
where you're feeling vulnerable and maybe insecure and you're
06:28
expressing how you feel and it probably doesn't come out the
06:30
right way.
06:31
But I've been grateful to be in relationships where we can
06:33
communicate where it's like, hey, honey, that's not, um,
06:36
that's not ok, like you're coming at me for something that
06:40
you honestly feel uncomfortable about, for your insecurity
06:43
that has nothing to do with me.
06:44
You know what I mean?
06:45
I totally, I mean, I've had guys tell me like, hey, I don't,
06:48
you know, I prefer maybe not this, not that and I've never gotten
06:50
personally offended by it.
06:52
Maybe when I was younger and I was on that.
06:53
Well, I'm gonna do what I want now.
06:55
I'm like, you know what, like, yeah, I wanna make sure my partner
06:57
feels comfortable with how I present myself and I just, the
07:00
same way I would want him to present himself in a positive manner
07:03
Like I've dated people that were extremely sloppy drunks
07:06
and it's like a big conversation of, you know what?
07:07
I don't like the way you present yourself in this way because
07:10
when we go out, we come out together, like it's a collective
07:13
So I understand if a guy wants to set boundaries with me.
07:16
And again, I don't mind.
07:17
I know maybe other girls wouldn't agree, but I, I personally
07:20
wouldn't mind that.
07:21
It's like there's a fine line between, tell me how you feel
07:23
without trying to control the situation because like, I've
07:25
been in moments where, you know, I, I like to dress provocative
07:28
sometimes, you know, that I know hot on Saturday free the Nips
07:32
is like that.
07:33
You know what I mean?
07:33
Sometimes, but sometimes, you know what I mean?
07:36
And so I've been with partners but it was like, really, you
07:39
you're really, you know, you have, you're gonna have it out
07:42
today.
07:43
Fine, fine.
07:44
You know, because we don't want to control each other.
07:46
But we do express like the Yeah, yeah, like the frustration
07:50
is like, all right, if it really bothers you today, then maybe
07:53
I'll put him away but, you know, if not of a man showing his titties
07:58
that makes us uncomfortable, I guess, you know, that might
08:00
be too much anyway, I'm saying, like, what we were trying to
08:03
control Raul and that's where they broke up.
08:05
Like, do you think there was something there because they're
08:07
both such powerful, you know, like, entities independently
08:12
like, maybe they wanted to control each other or at least
08:15
have some sort of, like, because that's such a big power with
08:18
each other, you know, respect, but there is no way because
08:20
there's an independence or do you think it was him trying to
08:22
control how big, because sometimes people see your light
08:25
I mean, regardless of how I feel about Rosalia, she is moto
08:28
mommy.
08:29
Every time she comes on the stage, she has a huge fan base and
08:33
maybe he felt some type of way about that.
08:35
Like a lot of the times your man might be your biggest hater
08:38
that could be, I don't think, I think that, no, no, no, I think
08:43
that definitely can be the case.
08:44
I don't think it was the case in this.
08:45
And since honestly, you guys, these are two massive artists
08:49
they are traveling.
08:51
Rosalia is massive, massive Rosalia is worldwide, but Raul
08:57
is really, really, really massive and he has tons of fans that
09:00
are women that's hard to deal with.
09:02
She's, you know, who she is.
09:03
They're on different schedules.
09:04
She just went on a world tour.
09:05
Like, I'm sure there were so many factors that came into that
09:09
Like, I break up with people that live in L A and we live nowhere
09:12
near that type of lifestyle.
09:13
It just made me sad because I was so rooting for them.
09:15
They, they, their love was so free and beautiful and when be
09:19
came out, well, we don't know that, I mean, the fact we don't
09:22
but from what they were showing what they were showing fun
09:26
pure.
09:27
But sometimes when you have all these distractions and you're
09:29
able to live that kind of life, when it comes to the real love
09:32
it's like, maybe it's not there, maybe it's, you, you're
09:34
on the beach and you're in the concerts and you're like, yeah
09:36
and you're like, really?
09:37
Is he giving her what she really needs?
09:39
And is he giving her when you're in that moment when it's not
09:42
lights, camera actions?
09:44
It's easy to fall in love when you have everything in the world
09:46
at your fingertips.
09:47
And it's like a dream come true.
09:48
You're so right.
09:50
Why do you think they broke up, Cassandra?
09:51
I don't know enough about the relationship to say nothing
09:54
I love that.
09:54
You better protect the world.
09:55
It's not even about our relationships.
09:58
And I'm curious, Cassandra, have you ever been in a long term
10:01
relationship?
10:02
I've been in all I've seen is long term, a 10 year marriage.
10:08
Wait, how old are you when you were 10 year marriage?
10:19
I mean, I got married really young and so what made you want
10:22
to get married so young?
10:24
You know, I was in love and I did see a future with him, but I was
10:28
definitely very much encouraged by the church.
10:33
Talk to us more about was this relationship on the east coast
10:36
Because I know, you know, small town, you know, I want to know
10:39
I need to know more about.
10:41
I'm in my mind, I just put you in New York.
10:42
But are you from New York?
10:43
I'm from Jersey.
10:44
That's right across the bridge.
10:45
It's, it's different.
10:47
I thought you meant small town, small town, you meant like
10:49
Virginia, small town.
10:51
You got a little bit more, not that small but not in that small
10:54
town because you guys, I mean, 10 years is a long time to be with
10:57
somebody.
10:57
I mean, in this day and what kept you guys together for so long
11:00
What was like the, um, I mean, I didn't say I do to say I don't
11:04
so like I was, I was doing it.
11:07
Yeah.
11:07
So no matter like the little humps that we went through, I was
11:09
like, down to work it through and figure it out.
11:12
Um, and then I realized that, you know, that sometimes just
11:16
isn't enough to save a marriage.
11:17
Like, both people have to be really willing to, um, you know
11:21
work it through.
11:21
And if, if, if season is over, the season is over are you able
11:25
to share?
11:26
Why you guys like what was the camel that?
11:28
I mean, the camera that was the, that broke the camels.
11:33
How can you say that?
11:35
It's been some time since it happened that I've been able to
11:37
reflect and I think that the red flag was there from day one
11:40
day one, red flag, day one.
11:44
But they like simmer down because you're like, I could do this
11:47
and they come back.
11:48
What if you're OK?
11:49
Sharing.
11:50
If not, it's fine.
11:50
What was the red flag?
11:51
I think that there was an insecurity within his point of view
11:56
of being a provider, being a man, you know, in that way.
12:00
That was like from the moment I had met him and then that is what
12:04
ended it.
12:06
You know what I mean?
12:06
It was just something he didn't feel like he could fill those
12:09
shoes for you, I guess, which I was, I did my best to encourage
12:15
for him to do that however you got to pull up your pants and do
12:18
it yourself.
12:19
You know what I mean?
12:20
Like I can't, you do like I can't just sit down so that you can
12:25
feel like you are, I am a go getter the way I'm built is like I
12:32
see something that I want and this is what I've always wanted
12:34
I'm not stopping until I get it.
12:36
You break it off.
12:37
Yeah.
12:37
So by the time it ended, we were in a throttle.
12:40
Ok.
12:41
What do you mean?
12:42
He and I had built a very, I think an honest relationship and
12:46
very, you know, trusting a good friendship.
12:49
This was like, probably at the healthiest point of our marriage
12:52
Can you love the people at once?
12:54
Yeah, I definitely love them both at the same time.
12:56
Were there ever, like, feelings of jealousy?
12:58
Like, they're getting a little too close?
13:00
That's a natural thing to feel.
13:01
Um, It's just how you respond to that.
13:03
That's going to determine whether a healthy dynamic or not
13:07
We felt our relationship was strong enough to sustain being
13:10
open.
13:11
And so we tried it for a night just to see that little sample
13:18
night just to see if we can walk the talk because we thought
13:22
we were able to, right?
13:23
So we were like when it comes down.
13:25
So it was like, you know what I'm down, let's try it.
13:27
And then I had my first girl experience that night.
13:32
That was your first girl experience.
13:34
I ever had never kissed a woman.
13:35
Well, yeah.
13:36
Yes.
13:37
And what did you tell me?
13:43
I liked it.
13:45
I was like, oh, that was fun.
13:47
That was different.
13:48
That was different.
13:48
It was fun.
13:49
So then I told him and he was excited and then we were like, ok
13:52
he loved it too.
13:53
He was shocked because he didn't even think that you like.
13:56
Yeah.
13:57
Yeah.
13:57
This was like, whoa, to us both.
14:00
Now it makes sense when I look back at my life, I've always been
14:03
intrigued by women, you know, by girls growing up and it was
14:07
something I had suppressed because of your tradition life
14:13
So, how long did you guys keep this going?
14:14
The open relationship for about two years?
14:16
And then we met a girl that we fell in love with.
14:19
You both did.
14:20
Oh, that's messy.
14:22
You like both of them?
14:24
Who, who pick, like, how does that work?
14:26
Like who picks?
14:27
We were like, no, I'm just kidding.
14:29
You.
14:29
Like, did you win the?
14:33
No, we just met a girl at the same time and wait, I'm sorry, I
14:36
have so many questions because I'm super possessive.
14:38
How do you feel when your partner falls in love with somebody
14:41
Because now it's rough like your ego but you also like you were
14:44
battling, you guys were battling the same battle.
14:46
You love two people at once.
14:48
Can you love two people at once?
14:49
I definitely love them both at the same time.
14:51
Were there ever feelings of jealousy?
14:54
Like they're getting a little too close and I'm sensing this
14:57
or they felt like you guys were getting close because you were
15:00
even talking about that within friends in a friend group or
15:02
if you're in a group chat, sometimes two people gravitate
15:05
naturally more towards each other.
15:07
Did you ever feel that vibe?
15:08
I mean, even siblings, like I remember if my brother got more
15:11
attention from my mom, I was like mommy, but you're not spending
15:14
enough time with me, you know.
15:15
So yeah, that's a, that's a natural thing to feel.
15:17
It's just how you respond to that.
15:19
That's going to determine whether it's a healthy dynamic
15:22
or not.
15:23
So right now, are you in the healing phase in the healing phase
15:26
Healing in real time?
15:27
IRL Guys, my whole world was from this person for a while and
15:34
now it's like, can I get that ever?
15:39
Isn't that crazy how we feel that way sometimes?
15:41
And I want you to know that this feeling is so normal.
15:44
I got out of a five year on and off relationship and you feel
15:48
that when you're like, are, am I ever going to feel the way that
15:52
I felt around this man?
15:54
That sense of comfort, that sense of home, that sense of, they
15:56
know me, they don't judge me.
15:57
They've seen me in all my every layer that when we strip down
16:01
you wonder if you're ever going to find it again.
16:04
But I know, I know you do.
16:06
There's so many people in the world and the fact that you found
16:08
two people that you connected with that deeply.
16:10
There's going to be someone else and I know it's like in one
16:13
ear out the other sometimes when you're in that healing process
16:16
but I promise it's going to happen.
16:19
But it's hard, you know, I could see that it's still so fresh
16:23
in you.
16:24
What is the hardest thing for you to accept from this situation
16:29
I think her as a being, as a being.
16:32
Yeah.
16:32
Like, no longer in my life is, like, probably the hardest thing
16:36
because we were also really, really good friends.
16:39
You know what I mean?
16:40
So, it's like, it's hard for the love to end and the relationship
16:44
to end.
16:45
But then, like, the friendship, the one thing about a breakup
16:49
or like a person, they are a mirror to whatever you are going
16:51
through in their life.
16:52
On my way here, I was, I was listening to an audio book called
16:55
Heal Your Life.
16:55
There's a chapter specifically on that how every relationship
16:58
whether it be business, friendship, romantic is going to
17:01
be a reflection of the things you do or don't do or believe or
17:05
don't believe in your life.
17:07
And so that painted a lot of perspective because ultimately
17:11
I know why it ended, right?
17:13
And this was also the first break up that I did still being in
17:17
love.
17:18
So I think that's why it's a lot more painful.
17:20
But I am realizing like, because in the, in the book, it was
17:25
saying like, the things that you don't like about a person
17:27
then you have to ask yourself like, do like, what is it about
17:31
you do?
17:31
Do you do those things?
17:32
Do you believe those things?
17:34
Yeah.
17:35
Yeah.
17:35
Yeah.
17:35
And so then I'm like, ok, so this is the first time ever in my
17:39
whole life that I've ever spent on me doing.
17:44
It's like crazy like ever because even as a child I lived for
17:49
my parents and their approval making sure that I was the perfect
17:54
child to their standard.
17:56
You know what I mean?
17:56
And then I went from them to my husband.
17:59
I didn't have a season alone.
18:00
I didn't go to college.
18:01
Nothing.
18:01
I went from dad to my husband.
18:03
So now I went from living for dad to living for him.
18:06
That's deep then living for her and then never, this is the
18:09
first time living for, for me.
18:10
And I think it goes so much deeper as well.
18:12
When you just said, like I wanted to make my be the perfect child
18:15
to my parents.
18:15
Like you don't want to disappoint anybody's.
18:18
But when you have a relationship that fails, you feel like
18:20
you fail, you fail, it's on you.
18:22
I grew up in a, in an environment where Colombians are like
18:26
being a player was normalized and it's actually glamorized
18:29
at times like all my cousins, you know, I talk about girls and
18:31
I remember being like with my cousins being like, oh my God
18:34
I never want to be that kind of that girl.
18:36
That is one of the girls that they're talking about.
18:38
Like I never want to get played.
18:40
So then I, I acquired like the player mentality.
18:43
I'm not saying I became a player, but I, I knew what the guys
18:46
would do I knew the game.
18:47
So, so well that I said, I'm never gonna get cheated on.
18:49
I'm never gonna get to have a guy use me and make me feel better
18:53
And then lo and behold, it happened like out of the blue.
18:56
And that was my biggest fear, but it happened and I didn't die
19:00
and I actually learned more and I'm stronger now and it's not
19:02
the end of the world, but my whole life, I never gave my heart
19:06
to any guy because I never wanted to get hurt or to get cheated
19:10
on or anything like that.
19:11
I'm still like in my breakup and healing phase.
19:13
Like I feel like a lot of the weight that I've gained, I love
19:15
myself.
19:15
But I feel like it's because I was putting this guy first all
19:19
of the time.
19:20
Like, so I feel like I'm still in that process.
19:22
But what I'm doing is I'm learning how to redo my skin care.
19:24
I'm on tiktok trying to figure out how to blend shit.
19:27
I'm learning what cocktail order I like.
19:29
I don't really know that about myself.
19:30
That's great.
19:32
How much energy?
19:34
Yeah, you, you don't realize you put on somebody else with
19:39
my ex is like 50 70% of my brain was always thinking about them
19:42
when it was not healthy.
19:44
You know what I mean?
19:45
The second that that ended, I was able to like put all that energy
19:48
in myself and that's when I started getting more jobs and like
19:50
looking better and feeling better.
19:52
And I was like, whoa, there's a whole other life out there.
19:54
If you choose yourself first, you need to love yourself first
19:57
and feel whole first and then you can give you and then you attract
20:01
that person that is in that same caliber.
20:04
That's right.
20:04
Because if you're gonna, if it's true that you or like the person
20:09
you're going to attract is a reflection of you then shit, I
20:12
want to become the best version.
20:13
That's what I'm saying.
20:14
So then I can attract the best version of someone.
20:17
I'm really working on me right now, learning new hairdos,
20:21
learning new like I be on tiktok like everything.
20:24
I'm like, I'm just, I'm just trying to become the best version
20:26
of myself.
20:27
When I go through a breakup.
20:28
I take it really per like I take it like rejection of like something's
20:32
wrong with me because I have, I've really been in a full healthy
20:35
I've never been married.
20:37
I've always been in situations like I've never been in a really
20:41
like actual real relationship.
20:43
So I'm like, yeah, I take it very personally.
20:47
What was your longest relationship situation?
20:49
So what is the definition of a situation?
20:51
Situation is when the person never defines a relationship
20:56
But you guys are doing everything going to Puerto Rico, you're
20:59
helping him find an apartment.
21:01
I bring, well, actually most of my situation, relationships
21:04
probably hurt way more you never get chosen.
21:07
You're thinking like, why don't you just ask me out?
21:08
So, how, how many months into a relationship do you think you
21:11
should be like a dating?
21:13
Dating now?
21:14
Dating now that I'm an adult?
21:16
I think three months is the most for me like that.
21:18
And, and I'm talking about, you've seen yourself consistently
21:20
like, you know, sometimes it takes a little bit longer but
21:22
like anywhere from 3 to 6 months is like, if we're not doing
21:25
it, you gotta go and, and that's when you kind of realize who
21:28
the person is a little bit too, right?
21:29
Like how many dates is in three months?
21:31
Like, is it two dates a month?
21:33
I don't doing the math.
21:34
I, I was thinking more like she's like, ok, what's the math
21:38
If I go on 16 days?
21:39
He won't be.
21:40
No, it's like you're feeling the vibe like the more you open
21:42
up with something before you make.
21:43
So my issue is that I don't have any boundaries.
21:45
So I'm like, ok, well, I love you.
21:47
You're my soulmate.
21:48
We're going to get mad.
21:49
Yeah, because I'm an idiot.
21:50
Like I'm a no, hold on.
21:51
You're not an idiot because let me tell you something.
21:53
I, I meet someone and I sometimes also think pretty early on
21:57
like, oh, could this, could this be it?
22:01
You know, I don't know, I'm a hopeless romantic like that.
22:03
I'm like, you know, so I really start looking out for those
22:05
real signs, like, OK, could this actually be like a good long
22:07
term partner or a good father, whatever, etcetera.
22:09
But now, now that I am on the other because every breakup makes
22:11
you stronger.
22:12
Right?
22:13
So now that I'm on the other side of this, like, I was just looking
22:15
for someone that fit this characteristic list.
22:17
I go, oh, he seems cool.
22:19
But I'm like, is this person an adult?
22:20
Like do they?
22:21
Because I'm in a different now where I'm like, I want to build
22:25
like a family, you know, so I'm like, I can't just be, you're
22:27
looking, I'm looking for my husband.
22:29
Yes, I'm not doing this for fun.
22:32
Ok?
22:34
If you're gonna date, then you can date around until you like
22:39
why ask me to be your girlfriend?
22:40
Unless you see, you see something long term for real, for real
22:44
Like then let's just date, keep it open.
22:48
But as your girlfriend only if there really is something that
22:52
we can build on later because then what's the point you also
22:55
have to take into account that people are in different parts
22:57
of their life.
22:57
Like for example, if you were already married for 10 years
23:00
you may not want to be in a relationship for another five.
23:02
Maybe you do just want to date around.
23:03
I've always thought like maybe this could be my long term person
23:06
but I was always really quick to ignore the red flags in my
23:09
early twenties because a, I'm not experienced in dating people
23:12
I always saw the good in them.
23:14
Maybe they're going to change or I'm going to fix them.
23:16
That was always my thing.
23:17
Or I'm going to be ok.
23:18
The red flags at the beginning.
23:20
It's all fun and games.
23:21
Oh, it's fine.
23:21
It doesn't bug me.
23:22
You're in the honeymoon phase.
23:23
So you're not super bothered about it until it's over and over
23:27
and you're like, wait a minute, this isn't going to be long
23:30
term in the night.
23:31
That's why I feel like I haven't had success in actually finding
23:34
my person.
23:35
I was going to say sometimes those red flags you don't even
23:38
know they're red flags.
23:39
So at first, like, I didn't even know that someone always,
23:42
constantly sharing everything that's going on or like taking
23:45
on the trip right away.
23:47
That that's love bombing.
23:48
And I was like, oh my God, he's so into me and of course it's me
23:51
I'm like, he loves me.
23:52
But then I realized no, this person wants a therapist and then
23:55
I ended up what I end up doing in relationships.
23:57
I end up becoming because I want to be so helpful.
24:00
I end up becoming the person you go to with your problems and
24:03
then you off on the weekends with your boys.
24:04
You guys, when I say, I mean, it was the most insane experience
24:09
of my life, obviously not going to say names or anything.
24:12
Like that was a Gemini.
24:12
I already know the character.
24:15
He was a Gemini but I don't know.
24:17
But either way it's funny you say that.
24:18
But I mean, the love bombing you guys, I mean, from the beginning
24:22
and I, I don't know, usually I think it's weird but the way he
24:25
would say it was so endearing, like, oh, you know, I want to
24:28
marry you.
24:29
Like, I don't know.
24:33
Not just anybody can say that to me and I'm gonna be flattered
24:35
for whatever reason.
24:35
He was so funny, so charismatic.
24:38
So just, I don't even know how to explain it.
24:40
But then from one day to the other, I saw the darkest side out
24:45
of anybody I think I've ever seen in my life.
24:48
And it was actually genuinely scary and I couldn't believe
24:53
and then I didn't know that was a thing until I read about it
24:54
online and I was like, this is an actual thing like love bombing
24:58
and then getting you so like, wow, this person is so amazing
25:01
and then the next moment they show you the side of you.
25:03
That's insane.
25:05
Like I cannot believe that sometimes you get used to love bombing
25:08
you, you see this guy, he's romanticizing you that when you
25:11
do get into a relationship where it's somebody who's really
25:13
balanced and it's like a normal flow.
25:15
You're kind of like, does he even like me?
25:17
I'm kind of bored.
25:18
He's not flirting with me.
25:20
He's not you know what I mean?
25:21
I've caught myself feeling that way because in the past I was
25:24
really much, like, swept off my feet.
25:27
And I'm like, this is kind of weird.
25:28
We've only dated a month but he wants to and I'm very grounded
25:33
and logical about things.
25:35
So, in my head I'm like, you're crazy.
25:36
Like we just met kind of thing.
25:38
But then when you meet somebody that really is balanced, I
25:41
think that's what I'm looking for the most.
25:42
I just balance and grounded this in a man that's like it's realistic
25:46
I agree.
25:47
It's a slow be having a slow burn is so amazing because you can
25:51
really get to know somebody right now.
25:52
I don't even want like a relationship at all.
25:55
But, you know, my previous two long term ones were so quick
25:59
so quick.
26:00
It was like I felt it and I'm a very loyal person.
26:03
Like if I feel like I love you, that's it.
26:06
I'm latched.
26:07
It's you, you know what I mean?
26:09
And, and I'm cool.
26:11
You know what I mean?
26:11
Like, you're my priority.
26:12
You're the one I want to try something different and really
26:16
just one, spend time with myself, understand what my boundaries
26:19
are.
26:19
What do I like?
26:19
What do I need?
26:20
Because I've never even thought of those things before.
26:24
And then if I do find a connection with someone, I'm going to
26:28
take my time.
26:29
But have you guys ever written a burn letter I write in my journal
26:34
we wrote one today and if no one knows with a burn letter, it's
26:39
a burn list is a letter of things you want to let go of you then
26:43
set the list aside to personify the emotions of setting yourself
26:47
free for them.
26:47
So you write down all the emotions that you want to let go of
26:50
of whatever you're feeling in a relationship or what you've
26:52
been through.
26:53
Um I've done this, I do this like, not just with a relationship
26:57
you, with my life, you know, like let go of doubts and insecurities
26:59
or but with relationships, we all wrote our own burn letter
27:04
We did that.
27:04
We're gonna burn a little later.
27:06
I'm excited about that.
27:08
I put a lot of shit in here.
27:09
How did you, how did you feel when you were writing the letter
27:12
It felt good because I talked to myself really negatively
27:15
and I was like, you know what girl?
27:17
I don't know, I wasn't here but some of that is in here like you
27:19
need to stop, like just because this relationship didn't
27:22
work out has nothing to do with you.
27:24
Like you keep picking the wrong people and that is 100% my own
27:28
because I know better.
27:29
And I still keep, you know, when you pick out from the swamp
27:31
I'm just picking from the swamp, picking the same shirt that
27:35
you have.
27:37
And I say this because this is what I do, like, sometimes I feel
27:40
like I don't deserve better seriously.
27:42
Like, sometimes I don't, I feel like, I don't know why not so
27:46
much anymore, but maybe when I was in my earlier twenties,
27:48
I did not feel like I deserve, like, I'd see a guy and I'm like
27:52
you know what?
27:53
Yeah, like this is fine.
27:54
Do you feel like you do that?
27:55
Sometimes?
27:56
I think that a lot of my twenties, but I think now I'm just kind
27:58
of having a hard time between like how much expressing when
28:01
you're upset with somebody versus just keeping that shit
28:03
inside.
28:04
And every time I keep meeting, I just keep meeting, underdeveloped
28:07
men.
28:08
That's the problem.
28:10
And you keep meeting men that you need to, that are not, it's
28:14
not face but to teach it, I think there comes a time where you
28:17
like, you know what I'm kind of, I wanna, I wanna be inspired
28:20
I wanna learn, I wanna be excited to like get better and be a
28:24
better woman for you.
28:25
I feel like a lot of men that we choose sometimes.
28:27
Well, sometimes you're helping build them to be reciprocated
28:31
I've done my charity work.
28:33
It's time for my prince to come.
28:35
It is with that dress.
28:36
It's coming with that dress, nothing else that you've worn
28:39
before.
28:40
But like what I noticed when I was writing my letter was that
28:43
a lot of the things that I'm doubting on myself now is from past
28:48
relationships.
28:48
It's like, why am I bringing it to this relationship?
28:50
Can I read you guys?
28:52
Um I say something deep.
28:55
No, no, no, it's fine.
28:59
No, no, no, it's fine to say.
29:02
It was about to be poetic and everything.
29:04
It was about to rhyme, bro.
29:06
I, I think we're old enough to take account for our part in a
29:11
breakup.
29:12
And I know that for me, I was not a good person all the time in
29:19
front of my ex.
29:20
Like I did, I, I expected things when I wasn't giving them in
29:23
return and like I expected like impeccability and I, I was
29:27
doing none of that.
29:28
And I don't know where that entitlement come came from.
29:30
So I had to really like break away from it because I was hurting
29:33
him and hurting myself because I wasn't getting what I wanted
29:36
But I wasn't showing up the way that he would want me to show
29:38
up either.
29:39
It was like, really messed up.
29:40
And so I had to separate myself because it was more like he was
29:43
gonna fill a void that I had to fill up my, on my own.
29:46
And that's what that, that's what that taught me.
29:48
So I took accountability for actions he would tell me and I'm
29:50
like, no, no.
29:51
And then finally I was like, oh my God, I am doing exactly what
29:54
he said and I am not a good person and I'm not, you know, yeah
29:57
taking responsibility for what I've done to him.
29:59
Yeah.
30:00
I think sometimes when you're in a relationship you don't
30:01
exactly realize your faults and what you're doing wrong,
30:04
you get so caught up in what they're doing wrong.
30:07
And I can tell you and again, I always bring it back to, like
30:09
my earlier twenties because I am in almost a transition from
30:12
twenties to thirties where I'm reflecting on my twenties
30:14
and how much I've changed in my early twenties.
30:16
I was so career work oriented.
30:20
Like that was my number one.
30:22
And with relationships, they would always know because I
30:24
would tell them before dating.
30:25
Listen, this is my baby.
30:26
This is my priority.
30:28
And I was, I was very selfish in that sense of, you know what
30:32
this is what's going to come first and then, and that's why
30:35
I think I had such a, you know, none of them worked out earlier
30:37
in my twenties because I didn't realize that, you know what
30:40
Jess, there is a beautiful balance that you can find with the
30:43
right person if they're supportive of your career.
30:46
As you know, I'm still a work in progress.
30:47
And something that I'm learning is that sometimes I have a
30:50
big ego and sometimes ego is not just OK, not too much Ivana
30:56
ego is not just kind of like being present.
30:59
Sometimes ego is playing the victim, like overly playing
31:02
the victim.
31:03
And you did this to me.
31:04
You do.
31:05
And I will say that sometimes I do play the victim in the relationship
31:10
and don't realize that the relationship is bigger than just
31:13
me and somebody hurting me.
31:14
Maybe I, so, like, recently I realized that maybe I might have
31:18
hurt somebody and that's why they're reacting in a certain
31:21
way.
31:22
And I just didn't realize that until one of my friends pointed
31:24
it out.
31:24
Like, have you ever done anything to this person?
31:27
Then I step back.
31:27
I'm like, oh shit, maybe I have hurt this person and we still
31:32
need to work on how we communicate and he should vocalize that
31:35
But also I should be aware that I can't always be the victim
31:38
Like I'm always the victim in all of my relationships.
31:40
Like it's me, it's like you did this to me when I knew that sometimes
31:46
some of the people that I chose were not the best partners.
31:49
Ironically, this is weird that we're having this conversation
31:52
right before I came here.
31:53
I actually reached out and I said, and I said to her and I was
31:57
like, I want you to tell me the pain that I caused you.
32:02
I want you to tell me everything.
32:03
The way that you would tell your, your friends, the way that
32:06
you would tell your family is raw is like when I'm not in the
32:09
room raw and uncut, I want you to tell me what I did throughout
32:14
our relationship, all throughout this breakup.
32:18
And if you can't say it to me right now, write it down because
32:22
I want to know, like, I really do want to know, I want to get better
32:26
because it's like, I really don't, I don't know what I did.
32:31
I know I can, I can have an idea of what I did.
32:34
Like, you know, I'm a workaholic.
32:36
I'm so career driven and I verbalized that from the jump.
32:40
But was, was that, was that a role that was played?
32:44
But what else?
32:44
What am I not aware of?
32:46
Because I just heartbreak sucks so much that I just don't want
32:52
to do it again.
32:53
I don't want to do it again.
32:54
So it's like, but yeah, like life, you can't control that.
32:57
I understand that.
32:58
So, but what I'm, what I'm saying is I can't control people
33:02
I can't control life, I can control me.
33:04
So it's like just how can I show up in the best way that I can so
33:07
that way I can have a healthier version of whatever life has
33:12
in store for me moving forward.
33:14
I don't at all with breakups.
33:16
And what I want to work on is I already know that there's going
33:18
to be some disappointment along the way.
33:19
But I want to work on the way I react to the breakup.
33:22
I wish I could be one of those girls that could be like, ok, but
33:26
no, I'm always writing a paragraph like you did this to me,
33:28
Harry Potter series.
33:30
I wrote the Book of Hollows, all of that stuff.
33:34
And it's like, I just want to be better at being so much more
33:37
mature and accepting that somebody may not want to be with
33:40
me, which is crazy with the, with the person I'm with now, even
33:48
though it's, like, really fresh, we both had a conversation
33:51
about how we've been in relationships that were toxic or,
33:54
you know, they just didn't work out or, you know, we didn't
33:57
handle situation well, because we didn't know what we were
33:58
doing and this, this time we want to do it, right, whatever
34:01
that means.
34:02
And I think that for me, that means like, I don't wanna lose
34:05
this person for things that I've done before that are selfish
34:09
You know, like I care about maneuvering in a way that's respectful
34:13
for both of us.
34:14
I think when you care for somebody, you don't want to lose them
34:16
you put your ego to the side and you change the way you move
34:21
You know what I mean?
34:21
Because what we were doing in the past wasn't working.
34:23
So what can I do differently now?
34:25
I want to be more like that too.
34:27
But I also want to still make sure I'm being true to my feelings
34:29
Like sometimes, you know, like when you're in a situation
34:31
like this kind of happened, I want to talk to the person.
34:35
I just wanna still, I'm trying to find the balance between
34:37
like when do I speak up and say, hey, like when you walked out
34:40
of the door, when I was having a conversation with you that
34:42
hurt my feelings, not saying that's true.
34:45
But that happens.
34:47
And this person is telling me, you know what I'm saying?
34:49
Like I'm honoring the way you feel without disrespecting
34:53
someone else.
34:54
I feel like I've been doing that the same recently with you
34:57
guys that I'm either dating or getting to know I'm giving them
35:00
very much like that positive reinforcement.
35:03
Like if they do something I really like or something that,
35:05
you know, either turns me on, not like in that type of way, but
35:08
just turns me on to who he is.
35:10
I will always give him that pause feedback, especially early
35:13
on when you don't already want to be kind of like Naggy and very
35:16
like, I love when you do that or I think it's so attractive when
35:19
you do that or dang, you're like that.
35:20
I like that.
35:21
And I'm very vocal about that.
35:22
It's something that I'm learning, especially as Latin.
35:24
I don't know if you do this, but I can tend to criticize people
35:27
sometimes that are realizing that I'm doing it and somebody
35:30
did it to me last week.
35:31
They were like, we always do this and I got so defensive.
35:34
I'm like, oh shit, did I make that other person feel like that
35:37
Because they were telling, you know, sometimes you learn
35:39
about situations and other situations so somebody called
35:42
me out on something and then I was like, I'm not that way and
35:44
I was like, oh shit, that's why that person, I was criticizing
35:48
someone instead of saying, you know, I'm just learning on
35:51
communication.
35:51
That's why I think that costumbre is Mas Fuerte que la 100%
35:58
is, are your habits stronger than the love?
36:00
I think part of the const thing is that this person knows my
36:03
most toxic trait.
36:04
So maybe sometimes the way, what exactly does that mean to
36:07
you?
36:08
Fuerte Que?
36:09
It's like, you know, we have been really anxious or maybe you
36:13
have some flaws that you're not, you don't feel comfortable
36:15
displaying in public, but this person knows this thing about
36:19
you.
36:19
I don't know how to describe it.
36:20
Maybe the way you get is strong.
36:23
I don't want to explain to someone that I like writing paragraphs
36:26
you know.
36:27
So I just write it to my ex.
36:28
Look, I'm working on myself, I think, look, I'm learning that
36:32
with everything.
36:33
Great.
36:33
There's sacrifice.
36:36
Can I, sorry?
36:37
Can I read you guys?
36:38
I'm saying something deep.
36:42
No, no, no, it's fine.
36:45
No, no, no, it's fine.
36:47
I was about to be poetic and everything but it was about to rhyme
36:51
bro.
36:53
I was about to rhyme.
36:56
It's cool that when it was going to be caption, that was about
37:00
to be the title of the whole.
37:04
No, he's gone.
37:05
Go read your thing.
37:07
I'm watching at least you guys, she really looked at you like
37:12
I said, what?
37:15
You better say something real dope in that.
37:17
That's too much.
37:22
I just want to say when I'm going through a breakup, you, you're
37:27
good.
37:28
I really want to know now.
37:29
No, because I was very nervous.
37:33
Ok, so when I, when I go through break, I've been through many
37:35
breakups.
37:36
Cassandra.
37:37
Are you mad at me?
37:38
I am not, I've been through a lot of breakups.
37:41
I have lipstick on my man's cheating on me.
37:43
I don't have a man.
37:44
But is that, is that a thing?
37:46
If you have lipstick on your teeth, your man's cheating, it's
37:49
real.
37:50
You don't?
37:52
OK.
37:52
First of all, I don't, but I love how she interrupted herself
37:55
That's the one thing the A DH D is real.
38:00
So every time I go to a breakup, I like to journal it out so I can
38:03
just get it all out.
38:04
And when I was breaking up with my soul mate, the first time
38:07
around I bought this journal.
38:09
It's from we are not strangers.
38:11
It's a brand that I like.
38:12
I like that one.
38:13
So they have the whole kit break up questions.
38:16
It's a whole thing.
38:17
So this is from October 31st and I just want to read you something
38:24
that I wrote when I was delusional and in love.
38:27
So it says here I always saw him in the greatest light, but he
38:30
was irresponsible for opening this door that didn't need
38:33
to be open if he wasn't going to catch me dramatic.
38:37
Um, the spoken word it is.
38:40
I wrote here, I was delusional.
38:41
What about this?
38:42
Makes me cry so much.
38:44
There was something else.
38:45
Oh, I hesitate to act if he really loved me and maybe playing
38:49
victim is easier.
38:50
So I knew that I was a victim.
38:51
Oh, there we go.
38:52
Accountability.
38:53
Yeah.
38:53
100%.
38:55
But this is, I just wrote so much.
38:58
I was obviously crying.
38:59
I'm disappointed at how much chaos he stirred up for me for
39:02
no reason.
39:03
It's almost as if he needs drama.
39:06
Anyways, I just wanted to read that out because I just want
39:09
to show people, you know, when you're in the midst of these
39:11
deep emotions like, oh my God.
39:13
And then being here two years later, it's like girl let me get
39:17
over it.
39:17
We'll move forward.
39:18
It's not that serious, but it's just like I do like that part
39:22
It's like, don't entertain my heart if you have no intention
39:25
of loving me, it don't knock on the door in my heart.
39:28
If you don't want to love me, it's cute.
39:31
Like we could play around if you want to play a little bit, but
39:33
don't try to make me fall in love if you're not going to catch
39:35
me.
39:35
And I feel like that shit is like a is annoying.
39:38
I'm scared, I guess I'm already let the past go.
39:42
Is this a sign I'm letting it go.
39:44
It has to go.
39:45
Oh no, I should I go back in there not going on if you have fallen
39:53
How have you guys come back up?
39:56
I'm going to still love.
39:57
But I also feel like my idea of love is changing and it's the
40:00
most I will ever love so freely.
40:04
And now I think it's more like I want to be a little bit more careful
40:06
with my love, cautious like I love you.
40:08
I don't have to be up in your house every day.
40:10
Whatever I love, you can balance it.
40:12
Is that your guys' style when you're dating someone or are
40:14
you guys very much like you're at each other's house all the
40:17
time.
40:17
Every day is a sleepover when I was with him.
40:20
That was my entire life Monday through Saturday.
40:23
We were just hanging out because it was fun.
40:25
But then I didn't put any boundaries.
40:27
I think sometimes called dependency could look cute until
40:29
it becomes a even you having so much fun with someone is toxic
40:33
because it distracts you from your goals.
40:35
What my fear is right now is how do I not move forward with trauma
40:42
Like I don't want to love with my tainted experience.
40:45
I don't want to love like that.
40:47
I think I have a lot of fear and a lot of doubt that I'm building
40:50
and I'm trying to remove it because I think it's so beautiful
40:54
when we go back to being like a child.
40:56
And we have this awestruck wonder of like, of like, one day
41:00
I'm going to fall in love and like, and like, it's just like
41:03
there's this innocent beauty and I'm realizing as we get older
41:07
you're also dealing with people who are older who have more
41:09
trauma and it's like scary because I'm like, dang, I see the
41:13
pain and the hurt that has been built up in me through my years
41:17
of being alive on this earth.
41:19
And then I'm coming across somebody what they've been through
41:22
and I'm like, I think it's so important that I'm finding someone
41:26
who takes as much effort in, in dealing with that and cleaning
41:30
it out and, and that personal work because it's just, you have
41:34
to take the time to do it.
41:36
It's scary.
41:37
There's levels, I'm scared, I'm genuinely scared.
41:41
I'm like, I don't want to be though, but four months, four months
41:46
is just the beginning and not just that.
41:49
It's also like there's chapters so you start hearing and then
41:53
there's a point where you forgive the people.
41:56
That's a whole other chapter because you're freeing yourself
41:58
from anybody and anything you have to forgive because that's
42:02
the way you take it off your plate.
42:04
Then you forgive yourself, you forgive them and you realize
42:06
that this is life.
42:07
People, people aren't always doing something to hurt you
42:10
They're doing what's best for them and then it ends up hurting
42:14
you and that's very true.
42:17
And the one thing I'm working on is not overthinking it because
42:20
sometimes we take a situation like that and we start overthinking
42:24
the situation and we're just like, ok, but this is personal
42:27
now and why, and where did this come from?
42:29
And, and we're overworking ourselves.
42:32
I was, I was just really low after a break up and I went to a weekend
42:38
kind of like a mentorship with me and a woman who's like, she
42:41
she's all raw food, better meditation, just like really
42:44
was helping me get out the trauma from my body with like massages
42:47
and breath work.
42:48
And she's like, don't say his name anymore.
42:51
He kept saying I was like, his name was like every other word
42:54
I don't want to hear his name.
42:55
Stop saying these, they're just stories.
42:58
You, you're feeling something from these things that are
43:00
the general feeling that you're feeling that's gonna help
43:03
you.
43:03
But stop repeating the story and the name every chance you
43:07
get because you're repeating that pattern and putting it
43:08
into your body that trauma continuously.
43:10
And since that day, I never said his name again.
43:13
And it has completely gone out of my mind unless I see it like
43:17
on Instagram randomly or something I don't say though.
43:19
And I don't reiterate the story and keep saying this is why
43:22
this is what happened because that's a victim mentality as
43:25
well.
43:25
And you're just hurting yourself and telling yourself the
43:29
wrong story too.
43:30
Like it had nothing to do with you.
43:31
It's like, yes, exactly.
43:33
So there's tools you could do like literal tools.
43:35
Like don't say his name again, don't repeat the story again
43:37
because it's just a story.
43:38
It could be anybody.
43:40
They just happened to be those two people in your life.
43:42
It could have been me and Jessica in your life.
43:44
But so like the universe puts situations in your life to teach
43:47
you lessons, that lesson, the space between you and your highest
43:50
self.
43:51
All lessons at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who it is
43:54
You know, we're all souls that just have a name in the skin on
43:57
us because that was my heart.
43:59
So don't take it too personally and do for a bit because that's
44:02
how you understand what's going on.
44:04
But you're a warrior.
44:06
No move forward.
44:07
Like what could we do?
44:08
Because you need to help other people too.
44:09
You need to help other girls too.
44:10
You know, you know what one of the best feelings is is that when
44:13
you were really damn bad about somebody and then you see them
44:15
years later and you're like, I don't know my hair anymore.
44:19
Like I've seen people like I think that love goes away and just
44:22
kind of moves to different persons.
44:23
Like I feel like I still have love for my exes.
44:27
I don't just don't, you know what this is my rule, anyone is
44:31
different.
44:31
And when I loved in my twenties, I feel like I'm not going to
44:34
lie.
44:34
I feel like they're a little replaceable.
44:35
I'm like, whatever.
44:36
But in my third stories, I fucked up in my thirties because
44:40
I'm like a better version of myself.
44:42
It's going to be really hard for me to never talk to my ex again
44:45
I still like he was, he was always really nice to me, even though
44:48
he wasn't ready for a relationship, I'm not going to like,
44:50
I usually block everybody but he was really nice to me.
44:53
So I'm not, I'm going to always love him, but I'm just not in
44:55
love with him anymore.
44:56
Like that's what it is.
44:57
And I think that in love is part of like whatever story I was
45:00
telling myself like he's going to be this and we're going to
45:02
be this, this couple and no, like he just was him and I'm ok.
45:07
But I, I don't know, I don't think about any of my exes from my
45:09
twenties at all.
45:11
Sometimes I think that we get so stuck on some person that you
45:13
don't move forward but then you'll turn around and be like
45:16
wow, imagine if I didn't leave this person, look at who I have
45:19
in front of me.
45:19
But like my sisters, both of them and a few of my friends who
45:23
are now married or engaged to their partners, they knew like
45:27
in their being that that was the one and they, even when they
45:30
broke up with them for two years, every day, my sister did not
45:33
stop thinking about him or, like, knowing in her heart, like
45:36
that's my husband and he came back and they're back together
45:39
and they're getting married within three months.
45:40
But, like, I feel like when, you know, there's a fire and desire
45:44
burning within you that you cannot move forward from, I'm
45:47
going to be honest with you.
45:48
I don't think I've ever felt that I love for someone.
45:53
I've been in love with people and I've thought about, yeah
45:57
maybe I could build something with this person, of course
46:00
But I don't know if I've ever looked at someone fully and been
46:03
like this is undoubtedly 100% because if that's the case and
46:08
I know it's healthy, we're going to have arguments.
46:09
It's not going to ever be a perfect relationship ever.
46:12
But if it's the one you fight for that relationship, it is not
46:15
going to be rainbows and butterflies.
46:17
I've seen interviews of couples that have been together,
46:19
they're 80 years old and they've been together for so long
46:22
And the one thing that they say is there's going to be days,
46:25
months, even sometimes years and a time that you're not going
46:27
to be happy, you're not gonna always feel that lovey dovey
46:30
feeling.
46:30
But you choose every day to stay committed, to stay, to love
46:35
that person, to accept them to, to really, really dig deep
46:39
You know, if there's no abuse, obviously you're cheating
46:41
or what have you, if it's not like to that level, but you're
46:43
not always, it's not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies
46:45
It's not always gonna be exciting.
46:46
And this new thing and I do think sometimes we're living in
46:49
a generation where it's like I'm not happy.
46:51
You know, I feel like this is getting boring and you don't want
46:54
to stand by someone's side because we feel like we have so many
46:56
options.
46:57
We go on social media now and you're scrolling and you're saying
46:59
look at this person, they're living this perfect life.
47:01
What would it be like to date this person?
47:03
But really, you date them and it's fun at first and then you
47:06
realize, you know what?
47:07
The grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is a lot
47:09
of the times just greener where you water it.
47:11
And like that's like what I've been trying to keep mine even
47:14
with my relationship is if it doesn't always feel so exciting
47:17
create that excitement put in that work, it's going to be
47:20
work at the end of the day.
47:21
It's weird because it's like I felt that before, like I did
47:24
feel that with my ex husband and even with my ex girlfriend
47:28
I was like, you're my person, you're the one and it was instantaneous
47:32
It wasn't like, it was never like this slow build up.
47:35
You know, I was like, I just knew that I wanted to be with you
47:41
and, and what I'm, what I was battling, which I feel like I've
47:45
overcome now is maybe this is my story.
47:47
I don't, I don't know.
47:48
But when I was a kid, I thought you were the one, you were the
47:50
one and that was it.
47:51
That was my forever and we choose each other every day.
47:53
This is exactly what we would say.
47:55
Um And when I was going through the divorce, that was what I
47:58
battled with.
47:59
I was like, damn, did I fail?
48:00
Like you were the one?
48:01
And now you're not like how is that possible?
48:04
And I'm for me, I guess my story is and I'm accepting it.
48:08
That was the one for that season.
48:10
I really gave it my all and I don't regret anything and I will
48:15
always love him and I am no longer in love with him, but I will
48:19
always love him because what we went through for those 10 years
48:21
was incredible and it was up and it was down and we chose each
48:25
other.
48:25
But that's all that, that was and the same thing with her.
48:28
That's what it was, it was for that season.
48:31
And I, I have such a different perspective.
48:33
Now, will I find that feeling again?
48:36
Maybe will I not?
48:38
Um But will I have such a huge expectation over that feeling
48:41
And I think that that's what I did with those last relationships
48:43
I lived so much for the future rather than in that present moment
48:48
I had this forever idea.
48:50
And which is what's so hard about heartbreak is that you're
48:52
also breaking up with the future idea of what you had, you know
48:56
what I mean?
48:56
And it's like, it's like everything.
49:00
It's like I got to let go of all of that.
49:02
And I'm living in a space now.
49:04
This is the first time ever where I'm not so future driven.
49:08
I'm so in the now and I'm reading this book right now called
49:12
Don't Believe everything you think.
49:14
And it's really teaching me to stop thinking and just be here
49:18
because the next 10 minutes it hasn't existed.
49:21
It's not promised it doesn't exist.
49:24
I appreciate how vulnerable you've been throughout this
49:26
episode.
49:27
Thank you for sharing that.
49:28
And I also feel like it's so for me, I see you as a star and I know
49:32
that you're getting into your star era, you're putting your
49:34
music out.
49:35
So sometimes I wonder if these people would have been a great
49:38
partner to you once you get to that place.
49:40
And I feel like maybe there was some divine intervention,
49:43
blessing in the sky that no shade.
49:47
I don't know them, but maybe they weren't supposed to be your
49:50
partner for the best version of who you become.
49:53
And that's just something that I thought, well, this is good
49:57
Let me tell you and we're going to go to our last step, which
49:59
we're going to burn our births.
50:02
Are you guys ready to do this or what?
50:05
We're gonna let go of the things that aren't serving us that
50:07
aren't serving our highest good and that we don't want to bring
50:10
into the next phase or chapter a day in our lives because it's
50:13
not conducive to our best version of ourselves.
50:17
So let's, let's go.
50:25
No, I'm gonna let go of any thoughts that aren't serving my
50:30
highest good or the highest good of all.
50:37
I am releasing fear and I am receiving my self worth.
50:47
Mm Adios.
50:49
Chow.
50:53
I'm forgiving myself for allowing certain situations to
50:59
happen and I am um yeah, to loving myself moving forward.
51:06
I am letting go of the past like it's just time to stop going
51:09
back there.
51:10
I am starting a new chapter, letting go of anything before
51:13
2023.
51:15
I'm scared.
51:16
I guess I'm not ready to let the past go.
51:19
Is this a sign?
51:19
No, I'm letting it go.
51:21
It has to go.
51:24
000 no.
51:24
Oh no, no, it is.
51:26
It is.
51:27
I think I I's helping you.
51:31
I's helping you.
51:32
Should I go back in there?
51:34
No, no, that's we're not going to high.
51:36
No.
51:36
All of your letters burns except for mine.
51:38
We're releasing everything that's not serving our highest
51:41
good and the highest good of all.
51:42
We're not going to the past and we're becoming better and more
51:45
beautiful, authentic burdens of ourselves.
51:48
Amen.
51:48
Amen, man.
51:51
Let that shit burn, let it burn it burn.
51:56
You gotta let it.