00:00
Listen, why don't you uh ask me about my story.
00:04
Well, it's uh an expose on Big Pharma and it runs next week.
00:09
Mommy Big Pharma is not just a diet pill.
00:13
Oh, hold on, let me call you back.
00:21
They didn't have Lanao.
00:23
So I just got the regular stuff.
00:24
I was gonna text you but I didn't have my phone.
00:26
Uh Who's texting you right now?
00:29
I don't know my Alexander teacher.
00:31
She rang late again already.
00:34
Have something on your mind.
00:37
Oh Did you want an eggplant market?
00:40
Jeff, what are you fucking?
00:44
Um Restart my phone.
00:46
Oh, you filthy sneaky, cheating.
00:53
The LTE network is unstable.
00:55
You fucked that intern while I was in DC last week.
00:59
The one from New Zealand, the one who's always posting selfies
01:01
of herself, drinking from straws on Instagram.
01:04
Audrey is from Australia and she has a jaw thing.
01:08
So that's why she has, what about two weeks ago when I was in
01:11
Houston and you didn't pick up the phone when I called.
01:13
I told you my Tinnitus was acting up.
01:15
I can't Oh, are you fucking, ok?
01:18
You know what, this isn't one of your little investigations
01:22
Like I'm not the bad guy here.
01:24
You mean one of my investigations that got me on the cover of
01:27
New York magazine last year?
01:29
Uh Babe, what are you doing?
01:31
No, no, you are not a bad.
01:33
I know you're just a cheater.
01:42
You know, I only read Neruda, that motherfuckers ain't gonna
01:48
Let's say you get invited to a dinner party.
01:52
All your friends will be there.
01:54
You pride yourself on knowing an interesting, diverse and
01:58
fabulous group of people you throw on a shirt you picked up
02:02
at your yoga studios lost and found you're dressing to impress
02:08
as you haven't seen your friends since you made out with Marta's
02:11
husband in front of her.
02:13
Or maybe you haven't seen them since you borrowed $300 from
02:18
Or maybe you haven't seen them since you accidentally ripped
02:22
Monica's Versace dress.
02:24
You put the finishing touches on your look, making sure to
02:27
address any problem areas.
02:30
You notice some Amazon packages were left for your next door
02:34
So you pick them up and throw them into your apartment.
02:38
All of the guests are required to bring something to eat and
02:42
You want to get something good, something that will make you
02:46
So you pick up the most expensive bottle and swap the price
02:52
You also pick up some bread, but then remember that you only
02:55
have $2.15 left on your debit card.
02:59
So you tuck the loaf in your spandex and walk out the door, you
03:07
arrive to the party holding your bounty.
03:11
And once you greet this diverse group of people, you are told
03:16
that this is actually an intervention.
03:18
We need to talk about a few things.
03:21
You're a terrible person.
03:22
You're a bad friend.
03:24
Remember when my brother was in town and we all took him out
03:28
Well, he just woke up from the coma.
03:31
You think you're like all peace and love, but actually you're
03:35
more like parasite and destruction parasite.
03:38
You so you can have digestive problems, stolen socks from
03:42
my feet while I was asleep, honey, it's all in your mind.
03:46
You think you're like, oh I'm a bitch.
03:49
You're just a bitch.
03:50
I want my television back.
03:51
You're a shitty person.
03:53
You're a messy bitch.
03:54
Stop taking my jockstraps, stop calling me Alvino.
04:01
The bread is the bread and keep it in your pants.
04:06
Carbs is that if an Australian drinks out of a straw, we should
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