Listen, why don't you uh ask me about my story.
Well, it's uh an expose on Big Pharma and it runs next week.
Mommy Big Pharma is not just a diet pill.
Oh, hold on, let me call you back.
They didn't have Lanao.
So I just got the regular stuff.
I was gonna text you but I didn't have my phone.
Uh Who's texting you right now?
I don't know my Alexander teacher.
She rang late again already.
Have something on your mind.
Oh Did you want an eggplant market?
Jeff, what are you fucking?
Um Restart my phone.
Oh, you filthy sneaky, cheating.
The LTE network is unstable.
You fucked that intern while I was in DC last week.
The one from New Zealand, the one who's always posting selfies
of herself, drinking from straws on Instagram.
Audrey is from Australia and she has a jaw thing.
So that's why she has, what about two weeks ago when I was in
Houston and you didn't pick up the phone when I called.
I told you my Tinnitus was acting up.
I can't Oh, are you fucking, ok?
You know what, this isn't one of your little investigations
Like I'm not the bad guy here.
You mean one of my investigations that got me on the cover of
New York magazine last year?
Uh Babe, what are you doing?
No, no, you are not a bad.
I know you're just a cheater.
You know, I only read Neruda, that motherfuckers ain't gonna
Let's say you get invited to a dinner party.
All your friends will be there.
You pride yourself on knowing an interesting, diverse and
fabulous group of people you throw on a shirt you picked up
at your yoga studios lost and found you're dressing to impress
as you haven't seen your friends since you made out with Marta's
husband in front of her.
Or maybe you haven't seen them since you borrowed $300 from
Or maybe you haven't seen them since you accidentally ripped
Monica's Versace dress.
You put the finishing touches on your look, making sure to
address any problem areas.
You notice some Amazon packages were left for your next door
So you pick them up and throw them into your apartment.
All of the guests are required to bring something to eat and
You want to get something good, something that will make you
So you pick up the most expensive bottle and swap the price
You also pick up some bread, but then remember that you only
have $2.15 left on your debit card.
So you tuck the loaf in your spandex and walk out the door, you
arrive to the party holding your bounty.
And once you greet this diverse group of people, you are told
that this is actually an intervention.
We need to talk about a few things.
You're a terrible person.
You're a bad friend.
Remember when my brother was in town and we all took him out
Well, he just woke up from the coma.
You think you're like all peace and love, but actually you're
more like parasite and destruction parasite.
You so you can have digestive problems, stolen socks from
my feet while I was asleep, honey, it's all in your mind.
You think you're like, oh I'm a bitch.
You're just a bitch.
I want my television back.
You're a shitty person.
You're a messy bitch.
Stop taking my jockstraps, stop calling me Alvino.
The bread is the bread and keep it in your pants.
Carbs is that if an Australian drinks out of a straw, we should