00:00
My Hyman broke the first time I had sex in a Bronco and he told
00:02
everybody and I have a joke about it guys.
00:10
I'm close to let me educate you.
00:13
I thought you were naming it.
00:18
I was like, yo, yo, yo, I was just saying.
00:21
So I was like, yo, Hyman broke or you broke?
00:30
Welcome back, Mi Gente.
00:32
Is this a poet of the building Eric Rivera here?
00:35
So this is a new episode of Three G's In the Pod and we have a very
00:39
special guest J Ka Prieta Horn and she's giving all the vibes
00:50
She's a close up on my feet.
00:54
If you want to get nasty.
00:56
I knew she's a vibe when she would go on stage and bring her own
00:59
And I'm like, oh yeah.
00:59
And that's a germaphobia that turned into a cool thing.
01:03
You know, the mic had a color to it.
01:06
Yeah, I have all different colors.
01:07
Like I, I think I like that.
01:09
I just like that so many comics on with a little brief.
01:14
Oh, no, there was a guy that did that.
01:15
Remember the English guy that used to have like, one of those
01:18
really proper mics and I used to think like, oh, what an asshole
01:20
And now I do it, I did like that touch when you were doing it and
01:24
I was like, oh, I like it.
01:27
I can do it quick now.
01:28
Yeah, I did it once at Magic and Comedy Club and Jay Leno was
01:30
in the audience and it wouldn't fit like it wouldn't fit.
01:33
And then I had to do my set like a ted talk.
01:36
So I'm always nervous that it's not gonna fit.
01:38
So I like go beforehand.
01:39
I'm like, OK, it fits.
01:41
Oh dude, that is pretty cool.
01:43
Where you, where did you get the microphones from now?
01:45
People are buying them for me.
01:48
Yeah, like for Christmas, I got a bunch of different ones from
01:50
friends and family, but it's just like a standard shore mic
01:53
and then they do all different colors.
01:55
You take a moment and celebrate Jesus here because you said
01:58
it didn't fit a couple of times and he didn't have a sex.
02:02
He is mature as with every episode.
02:06
Can we, if you can look back there?
02:10
Should we do a montage?
02:13
It didn't fit so many times.
02:14
I kept looking right now.
02:17
And also if you, if you, if you zoomed into my eyes, I went like
02:20
But I was like all Right.
02:21
No, but I did go up that time and I go, I guess my, he's too tight
02:29
It was at Magic and Comedy Club.
02:30
It's Tommy Bahama crowd.
02:36
I'm trying to get there, but I'm not there yet.
02:38
The hair is so white.
02:38
It's almost, it's kind of like a plastic.
02:46
I, I give you props and I know that I just love this.
02:51
I just love the contrast of how you guys look like the opposite
02:55
You know what I know they look like lesbians.
02:57
I'm glad you said that we're going for lesbian vibes.
03:00
And I, if we were lesbian, who's the, the one you guys are the
03:06
exact type of, you're the same, I'm with a beard.
03:12
But it, it's interesting because you'll be the one that knows
03:14
how to cook and he'll just be the one that knows how to decorate
03:21
He'd be like, babe, this is how we're gonna do this.
03:22
You guys are like a couple.
03:23
Like that's how lesbian couples look like they dress like
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a little different but the same, you know.
03:29
You guys are both top like you dress every time it's sex, lesbian
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you would get fucked.
03:33
You just know that you would get fucked.
03:36
You would not be fucking me.
03:38
You would get fucked.
03:39
You are, I feel like a universe.
03:47
How did we get here?
03:47
I don't know, 100% what is happening right now.
03:53
I love what's happening.
03:57
My son's going to be like dad real quick.
03:59
I got a question for you that he's smashing you.
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This is what you're ashamed of other stuff for me.
04:04
So, if you watch it, your dad is getting smashed, I'm playing
04:18
Anyway, so now that we got to move on a little bit about all this
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When did you learn about this version of beast talk?
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I know, I guess I just came out knowing it.
04:26
No, I uh yeah, I think like my sister kind of taught me this stuff
04:30
She knew it before I did.
04:31
She was like the younger.
04:33
No, but like, look his, his kid still thinks his wife is peeing
04:40
I think seven or eight, I think 10 is the 9, 10 is the time to do
04:45
You don't need to talk about sex yet but you just talk about
04:47
your organs and what they do and like you at seven or six years
04:54
old and I didn't, they didn't teach it to me.
04:56
I was overhearing adult conversations and they were just
04:59
like, I'm my uncle, I'm like, God damn, the way he explained
05:04
what he did what he was doing.
05:06
I'm like Jesus Christ, but also like, I look at my I'm like,
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damn, you can dig down over here.
05:11
What's the problem with like being horny?
05:14
That's what I'm talking about.
05:15
Like, there's a taboo thing about people and having sexuality
05:18
He's a guy, he's gonna be a horn dog when I was excited as well
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Know what he's doing.
05:22
And I think, you know, the thing about parents, like uh Mexican
05:24
parents, like at the parties they're drinking and they start
05:26
off when the first beer is on, they start being all like, hey
05:29
la pa you're not, don't hear it's gonna be go and they get very
05:34
and then after like five beers, they forget where they're
05:36
at, who they're at, where the kids at because then they start
05:40
I see you should have seen that.
05:42
The abu the hair on the side and then, and this is how you are
05:51
playing a lot of you, man.
05:59
I'm just like, that is very, very crazy.
06:04
They would catch me humping my dog, your dolls.
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I would h my dolls like humping a pillow, just dolls.
06:14
I was humping thing even like teddy bears or whatever the heck
06:20
I had and you can't shame them.
06:21
You can't be like, no, oh my God.
06:24
You know, I was a little bit shamed.
06:26
But yeah, I was humping pillows.
06:29
I was humping everything they would catch me and I'll be like
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you just have to go like in a pregnancy of your own room.
06:34
I would be underneath my bed underneath my bed.
06:39
And I, but I didn't know I was just like, you know, and I, I'm
06:45
very grateful though to be around the adults that I was around
06:48
because they were really, like, they taught me.
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I mean, obviously when I was like, 10 years old they were taught
06:54
me like, oh, that's not, you know, wait until you're older
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and stuff like that.
06:58
And then, like, I'm very grateful that I had parents that spoke
07:01
to me about sex because I didn't lose my virginity until I was
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Like when I was like, oh, when it was time for responsibilities
07:09
like, learn about responsibility and all that stuff.
07:12
Like I was like, you know what, I'm 18 years old, I'm legal to
07:17
So I'm, I feel ready to lose my virginity.
07:19
And when I went to Planned Parenthood, I remember like trying
07:23
to get some birth control pills and the lady was like, you just
07:25
lost your virginity.
07:26
I'm like, yeah, she was like, because people are losing a lot
07:30
Bronze in the clinic was like, she was making fun of you.
07:44
But there's all this stuff now that birth control that we're
07:46
finding out that if like, you shouldn't take birth control
07:49
until you're like developed because it messes with your brain
07:52
like your neurological brain.
07:53
And so many women that take birth control too late, become
07:56
depressed later in life.
07:57
Now they're finding out Exactly.
08:04
But this is about the humping.
08:12
My wife has gone and gotten the books and stuff.
08:14
Like, she's very big on.
08:15
Like, we need to talk to our kids.
08:16
We need to educate them.
08:18
I grew up in a very Pentecostal Christian home.
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Where that don't, no, we don't talk about it.
08:24
It's, it's, don't, you don't have sex.
08:27
My mother used to le legit.
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Tell me, like, if you have sex, I'm kicking you out of the house
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So it was like a taboo thing.
08:34
Like if you, if someone shows up right, you are out of the house
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No pressure, no pressure to be perfect.
08:40
That's why he's a comic trauma, dude.
08:45
I don't know if you guys coming out.
08:49
I feel like this is way of complimenting himself.
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You know what I mean?
08:52
Like his wife was put to this thing like you got to be with him
08:55
You're gonna lose it.
08:56
It's gotta be someone perfect and he's giving himself a compliment
08:58
Like he was the perfect.
08:59
Is that what you're doing?
09:01
Because she ended up losing it with you because you perfect
09:04
the fuck out of here.
09:06
Did you lost your virginity to somebody that at 20?
09:09
But was she a virgin too or no?
09:11
I lost my virginity.
09:18
If I would have gone to Planned Parenthood, they would feel
09:24
like there's a whole witness *** or what not that it was a Pentecostal
09:26
Christian, but we weren't supposed to have sex or nothing
09:28
And then until marriage and then I started dating this girl
09:31
she was older and it was dude, we had a family barbecue.
09:34
Like this is the first time I brought a girl home.
09:37
My mom used to call her dona, like as a sign of black because
09:42
She was like two years old.
09:43
She was like, she's like five years older than me.
09:46
And she had a kid in which my mom did not like taking dudes virginity
09:51
We were there, we we're sitting there, she goes in to use the
09:55
bathroom and my uncle said something sly like, oh you, you
09:59
And I was like, no, the um come on and, and my mom was like, and
10:02
she looked over like my mom looked over and my uncle was like
10:05
come on, man, we're gonna believe you're not putting your
10:07
hand in that loose cookie jar.
10:09
And I was like, oh yeah, why would you say is your uncle OK?
10:19
To know all he wants to know is about his sex life also.
10:27
Like she's taken some 20 year old kid virginity.
10:30
Like that's not right.
10:31
I've a couple of women like that.
10:33
Let me try to make me a young daddy.
10:35
I like who are these women?
10:39
I said it 1819 twenties.
10:47
The day I turned 16, the day I turned 16 in a closet and we chugged
10:53
a bunch of pina colada before because we were nervous and then
10:55
we found out there was no alcohol in it.
11:03
You know, I was uh you know, like the American pie.
11:07
It was just so much.
11:09
It was, I was, I remember I was, that girl were gonna do it one
11:13
time at a house party and everybody was like, cause she's been
11:16
saying that she really wanted to like do it with me and then
11:18
she put us in a room and I, and I took a shot and I was nervous and
11:22
they threw me in the room, they locked it like, hey, and I was
11:24
like, OK, so, so we're here and she was about it.
11:27
She was like, motherfucker just lay down.
11:29
We gonna make and I remember I was just, it was just so much happening
11:34
I started like I started just going like on my ass.
11:40
I just couldn't do it.
11:41
I couldn't even get, it was just like so much, so much.
11:45
I remember I went to the bathroom, I threw up.
11:47
I remember I was like you up but you had an exorcism just came
11:53
I thought we were just gonna like talk dude, you grab me.
11:58
We'll be right back after this commercial break.
12:01
Why are you putting in water?
12:03
What are you thinking?
12:03
What are you thinking today?
12:05
I'm gonna put these two to the test.
12:07
They don't even know what they're gonna cook, but I'm afraid
12:11
that if they don't do it right, it's gonna be considered a hate
12:19
We're about to make Sasha's dish.
12:26
Uh let's open these up, dad, I'm gonna open up.
12:30
You should, you need water for, for it to come off clean like
12:38
I mean, you know, you know what?
12:43
First of all, why would you, it's not cooked, it's not cooked
12:47
Eric gets fouled for that.
12:50
Oh no, he don't got a trash can.
12:52
All right, Eric is you foul for that?
12:55
Because you know you're not supposed to eat it raw ready?
12:58
That's it just like that.
13:02
I think we should season them.
13:06
Look at Eric's face.
13:07
You don't even know what the fuck to do.
13:09
Now, some people, what they do is put the black Onos in with
13:12
the oil and then when it's half cooked, you take it out, you
13:15
mash it a little bit and you put it back in to get that crispy
13:20
What are they doing?
13:21
Why are they opening garlic?
13:23
They don't need garlic.
13:24
Have you never had a bread knife?
13:26
Oh my God, two men walk into the kitchen.
13:30
Look, look, yo, Eric does not know what he's doing so he's distracting
13:35
What the garlic gotta do with this?
13:38
The garlic got nothing to do with this dish.
13:42
They're just putting, what, what are they doing?
13:45
Putting, putting lemons at Eric?
13:47
I'm like, have you seen this before?
13:49
He's like, yeah, my kids make sandwiches right now.
13:53
They put water with jean, big jean in here.
13:58
It's gonna be fine though.
14:00
Leave him, leave him if it burns it.
14:02
Look like they look like, what are they doing?
14:07
You should have done it with this.
14:11
This is version extra version of this is I'm trying to make
14:14
it a healthier option.
14:18
Yo, Eric, you lost all Caribbean.
14:21
All your Caribbean stripes are gone, bro.
14:26
And this, we're gonna be jumping like a paper towel.
14:28
Give me a paper towel.
14:29
We gotta dry these ASAP asap.
14:33
Then why put water in the first place?
14:40
I trust it's so small in the kitchen than I than I than I trust
14:46
Just like that's it.
14:48
Don't get nervous now.
14:49
I think you throw them back in the water.
14:50
I know the really comes at some point.
14:53
You throw them in the water, you trying to drown me to tores
14:56
He's supposed to be teaching me.
14:58
Can we get one left line.
14:59
No, no, no, we don't need the life line.
15:03
What the fuck is this?
15:04
Don't worry about what we're doing.
15:07
We might teach Dominicans how to do it a little bit better.
15:11
I don't want to say that but you, you, you pushing me up against
15:14
the wall, we gotta start swinging.
15:15
Be ready in like 10 minutes.
15:17
Give us like 10 minutes.
15:17
We just, we talk, we like to play.
15:19
We like to the whole experience like to talk and play.
15:25
Why are you putting in water?
15:26
What do you think of what I was careful?
15:33
You gotta be careful now.
15:35
That looks beautiful.
15:36
A matter of fact, everybody right now get one of these Eric
15:50
You don't hate uh uh uh uh uh uh some, I give this a seven almost
15:59
It, almost ruined it.
16:03
That's the third one she's eating almost ruined it.
16:05
She keeps her, I'm very proud of you guys for coming together
16:10
and making this Dominican dish.
16:13
If I have to trust anybody in the kitchen, it would be.
16:18
I just want to thank my mom for having her son in the kitchen
16:21
Well, they did pretty good.
16:22
They nailed it at first.
16:24
I was very nervous with this water in the water in the bowl.
16:27
If I would have ever done this in my house, they would have kicked
16:29
me out of the kitchen.
16:31
But thank you so much.
16:32
It was, it's all gone.
16:36
We don't know what we're doing this right here.
16:38
You guys should take this home and just put it as a trophy.
16:42
Yeah, this is what you guys want to play you guys.
16:52
So I had to sit with this old dude and I'm just like, wait, did
16:54
you get a window or you had to sit in the middle?
16:58
That's a lot to sit in the middle for me.
17:02
How was the old dude?
17:02
Was he like being creepy?
17:04
You know what I mean?
17:05
I had my EPLS on but I for sure know he farted because I farted
17:12
I let it out because it's like who are they going to point?
17:15
And this is the thing when, if it gets smelly and people are
17:18
looking, I'm doing the, so now you're giving that up.
17:22
Do you ever do this?
17:24
I feel like I look at people's eyes and then people will be like
17:27
yo, whoever's ear is hot is the one that farted.
17:30
And then you went like this, my shit was always steaming as
17:34
It was just, I don't do it.
17:38
I'll go into the bathroom to fart.
17:42
Seriously because you never know it could be bad.
17:43
You know, it could be.
17:48
No, I'll go to the bathroom.
17:49
Yeah, I'm proper or like, I'll wear a mask for farts, you know
17:54
No, no, no, I can't, I can come in a day.
18:04
But then you're like you a question, you're like, no, that
18:08
That couldn't have been a shot and then you move and you feel
18:11
wetness and you're like, OK, it's not a, it's a shark.
18:14
You beat your ass ass, the smell came out and I just because
18:24
at first I'm like, I'm gonna play this off deal with the date
18:28
I was on a date and then you just, I'm like, oh OK.
18:31
And then we're like, all right and we watched the movie and
18:34
I was like, no, we, I'm gonna finish this movie on the date,
18:38
Where were you at a theater?
18:41
And I'm just like, I can't get up because I have to walk this
18:44
way and she's gonna get a whiff and see what's in.
18:47
It is better now, you know the marinating in it.
18:55
Because the guy in the back with a rub on, I mean, I don't know
18:57
if it's gonna be like, yo, what's this oil on me?
19:03
You're in the car now I get up and I just feel it and I'm like,
19:06
and then the s and I'm just like, yo, so then this is what we have
19:10
to put up with by the way, I have to go because like, I think my
19:13
little brother is sick.
19:15
I gotta, that's what he calls his stomach.
19:19
You know what my little brother I feel, I feel him.
19:22
My little brother needs my help right now.
19:25
Feel the, when I want to get out of something, I go straight
19:30
I know it's bad luck but not his bad luck.
19:34
But you know what I'm saying?
19:35
Like dude, you know what?
19:38
My mom, my mom's sick.
19:40
I don't say sick, but it could have been a cold.
19:44
You don't know what the and then, and then you went home to scrub
19:48
I went to the bathroom stop in the bathroom before we go to this
19:52
emergency and I go to the bathroom.
19:53
She was going with you to the emergency, my house, the drop
19:57
you off with emergency, right?
19:58
So then I go to the bathroom and I just fucking take it off.
20:02
It's one of those you throw away, you got it.
20:05
You clean up, blah, blah, blah, blah.
20:06
You're like the CK underwear is not worth it and you wet the
20:08
knot of toilet paper and then you go back into the, the little
20:11
stall and then you start, it's wet, it's just sitting there
20:14
but then you get more toilet paper and you just damp it and
20:16
now you have wet white type of thing.
20:18
And so I put on my pants and I even wipe the one that was my little
20:23
And so there was a little, I walk out and then I walk out and I
20:26
just do the, believe this, it's a bit, let me tell you right
20:32
now the emergency is not an emergency.
20:34
My dad just messed up and it's all good.
20:35
They found my brother.
20:36
It's like I thought, I thought he was, I thought he was sick
20:42
He was sick and missing.
20:42
We were worried sick.
20:46
So the point is is that we ended up going back, we can go back
20:49
to the movie and she's like, are you sure?
20:52
So we went back to the movie and act like nothing happened.
20:54
She was just like, what the fuck is happening?
20:57
All right, real quick.
20:58
You said it went through into the pants.
21:00
You don't think it went onto the seat back down that night?
21:04
I know that was, that was a risk I was willing to take.
21:08
You've never had a situation like this.
21:10
I did have a short situation.
21:14
It wasn't on a date though.
21:15
That's no, I was in New York and I had a bunch of pitch meetings
21:19
and we went to this Brazilian restaurant and got so sick.
21:21
I had like, you know, stomach flu style like, but I couldn't
21:25
Pitch meeting at Netflix.
21:26
So I went, we're sitting down white chairs and I had like a tiny
21:30
tiny fart, like a sexy, cute one.
21:32
And I thought it, I thought I was gonna get up and there was gonna
21:36
be luckily there was not, but I had to be like, thank you so much
21:42
Oh, but there was nothing there.
21:44
But I thought in my head it has happened.
21:47
So the thought of alone, the whole meeting, I'm thinking there's
21:52
Like can I say this?
21:53
But there wasn't they pick up before we get to that?
21:59
I won't say this because ladies, but have you guys ever had
22:03
those like leakage situations?
22:06
Yeah, you sound like a tampon on right now.
22:10
Have you ever had so I can let out a bark?
22:18
So you'll never hear it.
22:20
You'll never know we're not listening to it.
22:21
But the dogs in the corner we control more than you like and
22:28
also a woman would be like, oh it happened.
22:29
If a woman did that to you on a date, you'd be like you tell everybody
22:32
you'd be like this bitch fuck on the bed.
22:37
But I I've stained everything with blood in my.
22:44
That's just how it is.
22:47
Yeah, we roasted as a girl in high school because she's fucking
22:49
that's like I was like the thing to do for the girl, that poor
22:58
girl was trauma but she was so that I think that really fucked
23:03
her because she was, we humbled her to fuck her.
23:05
She walked around like she was a fucking dog in her purse.
23:09
This bitch came in all Boosie always with a Starbucks fucking
23:12
They never finished.
23:13
Bothered the fuck out of me.
23:15
She made fun of me because I fucked up teeth.
23:19
That was, I'm about to.
23:28
I um I, my Hyman broke the first time I had sex in a bronco and
23:32
he told everybody and I have a joke about it guys.
23:43
I thought you were naming it.
23:50
So, so girls have a Hymen.
24:01
Her head broke one time?
24:04
I've never broken a hy, that's why that's not it because the
24:12
first time I had sex they didn't break because it was like the
24:17
Yes, because I never had no jaime breaking.
24:20
Well, no, he, no, I, no, no, he, no fucking Yeah.
24:30
Have you ever dated someone who was a virgin?
24:32
I've broken a couple of virgin.
24:34
But I've never, you know, we're gonna let Jesus get his pride
24:44
And when we come back, my favorite segment, white people problems
24:49
You want to hook up with me?
24:50
You want to what you want to hook up with me.
24:52
You got to learn this one.
24:52
Hold on, I'll tell you if I don't listen, I need a clip of this
25:03
because my Brazilian fans will like it.
25:06
Welcome back to three Gs and a pod to my favorite segment.
25:09
White people problems, white people, problems.
25:12
That's the theme song right there.
25:14
So, every week we find somebody uh either on next door app or
25:18
Twitter tiktok complaining about something because we all
25:22
get to chime in on today.
25:24
We have this woman, uh, in New York City who I guess was wearing
25:27
fancy shoes and it was raining and she decided to save the fancy
25:34
I mean, depending on the shoe if it's raining.
25:36
Yeah, I'll go barefoot in New York City.
25:38
I'm from Brazil before she was scared of my feet.
25:41
Oh, the voice is very white to a very, yeah.
25:45
But that took me two years to get or do I go ba save the SAN is all
25:50
that goes through my, it's probably good for me.
25:53
I will just put plastic bags.
25:57
That's not that crazy.
25:58
It's raining a lot of that water.
26:01
You cannot identify as water.
26:03
You guys who cares, you step and pee who cares.
26:07
But my thing is like she can't be doing that.
26:11
Get STD S from Step MP candy, but she can't be doing nasty shit
26:14
like that and not suck balls.
26:16
She got to be a ball sucker.
26:17
I'm telling you right now.
26:19
That's why you, if she's like, I don't do like sucking on your
26:22
ball, I'm like, bitch, fuck you.
26:24
You're out here running around these streets.
26:26
That's a different thing.
26:27
Suede and balls are totally different things.
26:29
Like balls are saggy and look and look like that.
26:35
Look as simple as this.
26:36
They're in New York City.
26:38
They ain't shaving in New York City.
26:43
What we would do is put a plastic bag over it and then just walk
26:46
People love being barefoot.
26:48
I don't care what, like they just, they love being barefoot
26:50
Like that's I'm having that fight right now in my own home because
26:53
my kids half white, half me and sometimes they're just like
26:56
I'm gonna be from a put your sneakers on.
26:59
No, no, I'm a no shoes in the house person.
27:02
So we're excited to have Jade here because you're going to
27:04
teach us a little bit about Brazil.
27:08
We call it gi I love you.
27:11
You recently went back home, I went to Brazil and I loved every
27:15
every time you posted something I would watch because you
27:17
were so informational you would walk around.
27:20
I'm like, this is exactly what I want a post to be like, what
27:23
I learned how it is.
27:25
You just walk at the store, just buy something.
27:29
You were up in a rooftop.
27:30
I got the sickest airbnb because the dollar is $4 there.
27:34
When I go over there, it's crazy.
27:36
It's four times the amount of money there.
27:37
I was trying to keep up with your conversations because you
27:40
were talking Brazil and I'm like, well, she's in it.
27:45
I didn't know you, I didn't know you were like that.
27:47
I didn't know you were like Brazilian.
27:50
Nobody knows that until I go back.
27:52
But then there I'm American.
27:54
So I'm like stuck in this gray zone of solitude.
27:56
You know, I'm like, guys, I'm here and they're like, nobody
28:02
I feel like I'm ba like I'm Mexican paisa die hard and I go to
28:05
Mexico and I'm like, that's been laying there like, where's
28:10
I'm not eating that.
28:11
What's the fi I'm at a taco shop and I was like, are you guys not
28:15
cleaning the plates?
28:17
That's I see your grave.
28:18
They put a bag now and then you eat in a bag and they just throw
28:23
bag and I'm like, you'll be mad afraid of germs and stuff.
28:25
Like when I went back to the Dominican Republic, they cooked
28:27
from the river water like they set up a whole entire pot.
28:31
The heat takes that away.
28:34
But that was pretty cool.
28:36
I love, yeah, I'm trying to do more stuff there.
28:39
I filmed the pilot while I was there that I wrote like in Portuguese
28:41
and I'm trying to do stand up over there but every time I go,
28:43
I just eat such hard shit.
28:44
It's hard to like, keep doing it.
28:47
You know, is it because of the language?
28:48
Is it because of the, there's so many different reasons, like
28:51
I talk really fast and then when I speak Portuguese, I talk
28:55
And then also my setups are a little more advanced, like they're
28:58
still in a moment where stand up is like punchline, punchline
29:00
set up like, and I do all these weird, like things with wordplay
29:04
and so it's like they don't understand what I'm talking about
29:08
and I'm very dark, like crude and like I want to talk about sex
29:11
and my pussy and stuff and they're like, oh yeah, like they're
29:13
not ready for it yet.
29:15
Like we don't have the fan bases that they do here.
29:18
I have a question are Brazilians, Latinos.
29:21
That's a big question that everybody asks.
29:24
So we were conquered by the Portuguese.
29:25
So we're actually technically European and white, but I don't
29:30
I don't like it when people say that because I don't identify
29:32
as white, you know, whatever that is.
29:35
I don't see Portuguese and the Brazilians don't get along
29:38
No, the Portuguese and the Brazilians get along.
29:39
We just make fun of how slow their Portuguese is cool.
29:48
But yeah, I'm trying to be there over there and I love, I mean
29:50
I want to be more Brazilian obviously, I want more Brazilian
29:53
I go over there and I'm like, oh my God, I'm not just a crazy slut
29:56
Like that's how we are.
29:57
You know, like everybody's just more outgoing and like they
30:02
host you, they invite you to their house.
30:03
Like everybody is just so much more, I don't know.
30:08
I want to be a little bit more Brazilian.
30:10
I, we're gonna try to say in front of you, that's a good one.
30:16
And then we're gonna try to guess what it means.
30:17
You guys guess what?
30:30
I think vice means like whatever dude.
30:38
I don't know because you heard V Yeah.
30:41
Break it down, break it down.
30:43
It's all Latin rooted it down.
30:45
I don't know if it's like a curse word or go somewhere like go
30:49
Go somewhere, you got it, go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself
31:03
It's like go fuck yourself.
31:04
It's like I don't have time for this man is like, dude, man,
31:08
that's what we say in Mexico too.
31:19
What the heck is on here?
31:22
No, I think what she says with her a I think we have to read it
31:24
because when she says it, you feel like, OK, I see what she's
31:31
Yes, that's what I thought I was going to say.
31:32
What the fuck are you doing.
31:33
What the fuck are you doing?
31:34
Let's have Jesus read them.
31:41
You wait, I, I'm gonna go look, look, if the, if the C doesn't
31:47
have a little snake, it's like a K.
31:49
Yeah, so ficara, so try it again.
31:54
Bosque Fic Migo, that's the thing about me, baby.
32:00
I don't just touch the water.
32:02
You know what I mean?
32:02
In the Portuguese has a Mexican accent which is cracking me
32:10
because I like, I like all those like soccer players.
32:14
They talk in interviews.
32:15
That was pretty good.
32:15
I feel like you did.
32:23
What the fuck do you want from me?
32:24
You wanna, you wanna hook up with me?
32:26
You want what you want to hook up with me?
32:28
Oh You gotta learn this one.
32:36
I'll tell you if I don't listen, I need a clip of this because
32:40
my Brazilian fans will like it.
32:42
No, because FICA in, in Brazil there's a thing where you just
32:44
hook up like people are not so like we hooked up, we're together
32:48
like you just hook up.
32:51
It's just like when you're with somebody like you hook up,
32:57
what is this accent you're doing?
33:00
You try, you say it, you, you, you gotta be a player though at
33:08
Come on, man, that kid, like you feel like a spy.
33:22
If you look at each other too long, you kiss like that's what
33:25
happens if somebody makes eye contact with you too long.
33:29
I let me tell you right now.
33:31
I'm like, I don't believe in Speedos, but I will, I swear to
33:34
God, I wear Speedo in Brazil.
33:36
Because it's not gay is Brazil to a bar and there was just a naked
33:43
guy there and I'm like, what's up with this naked guy?
33:44
They're like, oh yeah, he comes every Thursday straight up
33:48
I have a video, I'll send it to you guys.
33:50
He's just walking through.
33:51
I'm like, he just likes to be himself.
33:54
They are, people are like the, the, the the body is just like
33:57
it's not taboo to be sexual and to own your sexuality and to
34:01
like make out with people and it doesn't matter.
34:04
It's like if you're married too, if you're married and you
34:09
go out and like you kiss somebody, it's not like he cheated
34:11
It's over like people are just like, yeah, yeah.
34:15
Like it's not a thing.
34:16
People are so much more loyal and open and I love that.
34:20
I want to move back.
34:27
Nobody says by the way, this is a weird, I like, I feel like it's
34:35
a tazo tea kind of thing like a calzone just like that.
34:43
What do you guys think it means?
34:46
Oh Let me fornicate.
34:49
You let me hold you.
34:53
That's a good, it's a weird way to translate but it makes me
34:56
it's basically saying Eric, you make me horny all very Austin
35:01
powers by the way, I found that.
35:05
But that's so weird.
35:05
Nobody says you give me horny like they wrote.
35:08
It's kind of a weird way to say that like white that we have back
35:14
He's glowing, There's a light around, I have a, I gotta go,
35:21
He's got his legs out too.
35:22
Look at the slutty shorts.
35:24
He's wearing, the shorts are white and I don't know when the
35:29
shorts end and his leg he walk in, he makes you uncomfortable
35:33
The butt just showing and just fucking bulge like crazy like
35:36
he does have a bulge.
35:37
I can see it from here.
35:38
Look, show the bulge I don't think has noticed this bulge.
35:47
What the we should all go to Brazil.
35:52
Can we take this and do an episode of that was that would be me
36:01
and that would be good.
36:03
Look at in America, two guys walking around.
36:07
But in Brazil, what's, you know what I'm saying?
36:11
It's like you not look at me when you say that, look around,
36:14
look at the camera, look at the camera dude.
36:17
Hey man, I'm not talking about you dog.
36:19
I'm talking about in general, you guys look good together
36:23
What do you think will pull more bitches that photo?
36:27
I mean you both look pretty good in that photo.
36:32
Can we see the original faces?
36:34
First of all the, what's wrong with the upgraded version?
36:39
We took these lunch.
36:40
That's and I like it.
36:45
I want to hit up a beach hairless.
36:47
Yeah, guys in Brazil hug they kiss.
36:49
They don't care, they don't care.
36:51
They're like just yeah, they own their sexuality.
36:53
Like and also because in Brazil you hug and kiss everybody
36:56
everybody smells better and it's like hygiene is like a big
37:00
Like everybody is way more clean like you meet a dirty Brazilian
37:03
You're like, what the fuck is this?
37:04
Like Brazilians kiss like in the cheek.
37:06
Like you really, you really kiss like it's like you really
37:10
kiss like so when I moved to Virginia as a kid, people were like
37:14
Fuck you kissing like holding up people's faces and shit.
37:17
They were like, hello.
37:20
When we can't find Jesus next week he's moved to Brazil.
37:24
I love the idea of Brazil.
37:26
I like first of all, I'm a big soccer fan, so Brazil's, it has
37:30
been my team to win the World Cup.
37:34
You are Mexican, right?
37:35
Because this is going out live to the fan.
37:37
I've seen how Mexico plays and I see how they play and I'm just
37:42
like, what is going on?
37:43
I like the way that they play the Joga Bonito.
37:46
I like, come on, man, it's like a brand that they did about just
37:52
like, play like Chani play nice, play, nice.
37:56
It's not like soccer.
37:58
Everybody's trying to seriously trying to fucking win and
38:00
they're just like the way the Brazilian play, they're just
38:02
You can see that in their locker rooms are playing music.
38:04
They don't take it too serious.
38:05
Ronaldinho when he makes plays.
38:07
He's like, yeah, I don't like it makes it so easy that it's just
38:10
that they're having fun and that's what it's about.
38:12
The game should be about.
38:13
I wanna go, I wanna go to Brazil.
38:17
I like to stand next to the Jesus and just be like, yo, that's
38:21
You know what I saying?
38:22
Big and then um I like to go to but I'm afraid to get out there
38:28
and do some stand up.
38:30
There's English shows.
38:31
The comedy scene is so good out there.
38:34
People are like ready for it.
38:36
And let me tell you something else.
38:37
The women, I wanna thank you Brazilians for introducing Brazilian
38:45
I'm not a peasant to say is that if it wasn't for the Brazilians
38:51
we would be out here just bushed up.
38:56
They're coming back.
38:56
I don't mean, like, all up but just like trim down.
39:03
Like a whole, a whole wax.
39:07
It's like a whole wax is like a, you didn't even know about Hyman's
39:11
until two minutes ago.
39:15
Because you need to have some mature women in your bedroom
39:19
I'll let it happen because you're the, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
39:24
But at the end of the day I like a, just like a nice bare hardwood
39:30
I like the hardwood floor.
39:33
I, I work around it.
39:35
I'm like, oh I just try to not even, I'm at it like this.
39:43
I think that women have gotten to the point where they do it
39:45
like just to maintain hygiene or whatever the heck.
39:48
But just what, 30 years ago or some shit like that women were
39:52
just bushing out and living life because your idea that women
40:00
could vote by that time, could we?
40:02
If I see a gonna come out and poke me if I see a bush, that's the
40:08
first reaction like, yo, you know, if you're not gonna eat
40:13
it, there's no point for me to me too.
40:16
When you down there and you see the thing just, I'm just looking
40:18
at him like fuck you near my nose or my forehead.
40:23
But now, now let see and then they push you down if you want,
40:27
You guys like you guys like a bear but when a woman is going down
40:30
on you, do you guys shave?
40:32
What's going on down?
40:35
It's a bit of hair on my teeth, right?
40:38
We got a munch a little bit on.
40:40
You get the fuck out the car, the car, not even in a house.
40:45
Are you guys shaved down there?
40:56
If you Harry, I'm Harry.
40:58
You got to change our ideals of what women are supposed to look
41:01
It's all twisted like you think so.
41:02
Yes, because if you started seeing porn with real looking
41:06
women, you would be turned on and expect that.
41:08
But now you see these young girls with no pussy hair that's
41:12
not be oiled up assholes.
41:14
No, you're becoming like brainwashed.
41:16
I like the new old school, old school dudes.
41:18
They like they see hairless.
41:20
They're like, what is that?
41:21
I'm used to the bush and now when we grow up, we're going to be
41:24
like there's a saying in Dominican, they're all into like
41:29
You know there's a saying in Dominican Republic, la mujer
41:35
combos, mustaches got the best snatches.
41:41
Why you a little bit of hair for?
41:46
You know what the, with the mustaches have the best Nats.
41:50
I'm, I, and I, it's a moisture routine.
41:58
Do you have to go down there with the real side of it now.
42:07
People are like, you know, they don't, they don't, gender
42:09
is not a thing anymore.
42:10
Like, you know, people are just, I'm gonna start bringing
42:12
a, I'll make it work and just move it out of my way.
42:27
Let me see how fast your, to check this out.
42:35
Move the mic so we can see it here.
42:44
Don't worry about that.
42:49
They didn't think so.
42:51
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
42:53
We got to talk after the show.
42:54
You'll find that I'll show you, she can do it, she can do it with
43:01
Let's see your tongue action, which is what we gonna do with
43:03
I got two is no tongue action.
43:05
Oh my God, you're not watching the show.
43:07
I'm, I'm retired after you have kids.
43:15
He just puts it out of the gecko after you put the kids to sleep
43:22
You t he moves her around.
43:23
He's like I say, she's got to fucking like I was just watching
43:36
This is a good part.
43:36
This is a good part.
43:38
I thought the show was about politics.
43:42
We're gonna take a quick commercial break and when we come
43:45
Hey, who's your favorite uh segment?
43:47
So the kid of the week, you're gonna love this?
43:51
I feel like I'm in a place where I'm like, like, what, what,
43:54
you know, when it gets to the point, the point, I don't know
43:58
why y'all attacking me.
44:01
I didn't say nothing like rescue dogs.
44:03
I don't know who hit you before y'all need to calm.
44:07
All right, everybody.
44:09
And we're going straight to my favorite segment.
44:11
All Silver Tooth kid of the week.
44:13
Do you know what a silver tooth kid is?
44:15
These little bad kids?
44:16
Remember when you were a kid?
44:18
There's always that one kid had a silver tooth.
44:21
The wild boys can control them cross earrings.
44:26
That was me growing up.
44:32
He already, he's already like, oh no, I better not be no blood
44:36
Look at Mike Tyson's daughter.
44:41
Oh, the dogs locked.
44:43
Did you see the jaws locked?
44:45
Yes, this is her little dude.
44:56
I thought it was his ear.
44:57
No, I thought it was his ear too.
44:58
That's what she was yanking him.
45:00
She's, I've seen documentaries of kids like that.
45:03
Hey, be careful now.
45:06
Well, now we're off to my favorite segment called Pedro Ca
45:09
Daquin where listeners write in, they ask for advice and we
45:13
But a lot of times we, we're not experts, so we give bad advice
45:17
So j you can help us out on this dear J My son is 10 years old.
45:22
The other day I was going through his ipad, I noticed in his
45:24
history he was watching Tik Tok dance trends.
45:27
Now, I know it's not porn, but it's also not really dancing
45:30
Is he too young to give the birds and the bees talk to.
45:33
How old were you guys when you got to talk?
45:35
I just don't know what I can or cannot say to him.
45:37
I don't want him to end up a horn ball like Jesus.
45:41
Well, first of all, it's called beam.
45:44
Yeah, he didn't even know what a hyphen was.
45:47
I don't know what a hyphen is.
45:54
Yo, I'm about to break that hype in it.
45:57
Listen, I think you need to, education is power.
46:00
You tell them everything and don't shame them about sex.
46:03
I think there's books that you could give your child.
46:06
They have good information and it's not sexual.
46:08
You just get to know your body a little more and your parents
46:11
never give you sex talk.
46:12
Never gave you like a look at my dad would not my dad.
46:17
No, my dad would just look at uh Yeah, dude, he would never give
46:21
And when we were watching a movie and it was like a little sex
46:23
scene, my dad wouldn't be like hide your eyes.
46:25
I mean, that way he goes.
46:27
And I'll just be like, he was too sexual.
46:30
It almost made you like a little less.
46:33
I just remember thinking like that was like normal.
46:37
I, I'm shy away from it.
46:39
I'm just like, yeah, that's what it is.
46:40
I never looked at it like, like you, oh, don't fucking, I don't
46:44
know what the fuck's going on over there every time I talk about
46:48
But it's interesting because right now I feel like kids, they're
46:51
very exposed to too much but don't know enough, live enough
46:55
but they have too much information.
46:56
Like remember when you knew facts and now like everybody knows
47:00
I know one phone number and I tried to memorize it.
47:04
We are learning less like we are retaining less information
47:07
because there's too much information that we're taking in
47:10
That's the thing that's happening.
47:11
We're becoming dumber.
47:12
We are becoming dumber havey.
47:15
It is that I don't know a we're more because we have more technology
47:21
But I think as human beings, like we have less information
47:24
that we know, right?
47:26
Like we used to know directions, we used to have a Thomas guide
47:29
Remember that map that we had to go through like we knew phone
47:32
numbers, we knew facts, we knew where to go.
47:34
Like now we don't know shit without my phone, I'm naked.
47:37
I don't know if my phone dies.
47:39
I feel like am I a human.
47:42
We also don't know what we look like.
47:43
These filters are like messing like the way our selfies take
47:47
Like we don't know what we look like anymore.
47:49
If phones like technology was like delete it or whatever the
47:53
fuck we, we're, we're about to be done like that of this podcast
48:00
They go hand in hand information, all this stuff and being
48:05
able to retain that.
48:06
That's what helps with your memory and Alzheimer's and stuff
48:09
I think we're going to start developing Alzheimer's more
48:11
people have Alzheimer's than ever because it's like you forget
48:15
the information as fast as you learn it.
48:18
You right, because you don't need to retain it.
48:20
You could just look at your phone right two seconds later and
48:22
you got it and then everybody has a DH D now, I was like, I think
48:27
I have a DH D, I'm like, we might have a DH D and I for sure have
48:31
a DH D for sure that I was already on some like, it was crazy.
48:40
I wish we made it like we were comics back in the day where you
48:42
do like one set and you have a sitcom talking about this all
48:47
Like perform at the comedy store.
48:49
You were done like you got, it would go on late night and you
48:51
would have a sitcom living like a fucking nineties comic thinking
48:54
like, no, just make sure you perfect everything and that's
48:58
gonna work out and then you see these fucking guys like I just
49:00
did it last year and I'm selling out.
49:03
But that's not how it goes, what's going on.
49:05
I know, but I still think there's quality over quantity, man
49:08
Like be true to yourself and do good.
49:10
We were just talking about this like we have all this pressure
49:12
to keep posting every day, every day, every day.
49:14
It's like we get drained out and people can feel it when you're
49:17
just posting a post.
49:18
Like when you don't have love behind it, like I feel like, yeah
49:21
I feel like I'm in a place where I'm like uh like what, what
49:26
you know, when it gets the point, the point, I don't know why
49:32
I say we all love to like just one person, you know what it is
49:38
Eric is always like getting up on us.
49:39
So, you know, we try to like, like rescue dogs.
49:42
I don't know who hit you before you need to anyway.
49:48
He started talking, he went like this and I was like, oh no,
49:54
but unapologetically I'm taking some time to not post because
49:57
I feel like for a long time when I didn't post, I was letting
50:00
But also I was letting myself because I was burnt out and I myself
50:04
I'm not going to lie, Eric, this is what I knew it was coming
50:24
because of the hand I was like, oh boy, I love myself.
50:27
I'm like, it's just like the, I, I wasn't that you had a, you
50:42
know, I'm that bitch.
50:44
I'm becoming more genuine.
50:46
Like, I don't know what's happening to me sometimes.
50:47
Like an old lady will fall.
50:49
I won't even laugh like I'll help her and that's different
50:54
So that's it for this episode of Three G's and a pie.
50:56
We want to thank Jake Cata Preta for visiting.
51:03
It was so fun being here with you guys.
51:11
So we'll see you guys in Brazil.
51:12
Can you tell everybody where they can find you?
51:13
Oh, yeah, Jade Cata Preta on social media everywhere.
51:16
You can find all that stuff.
51:18
It's on right now and now come on.
51:26
I don't have a lot of road dates, but I'll be in Vegas for pride
51:29
So I'll see you guys.
51:30
Thanks for coming out.
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